Trying to write this last week has just been brutal. I go into these funks and I just can’t seem to pull my finger out of my a** you know? But WordPress gave a daily prompt that harkened to me, at least on some level, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I was hoping it would give me some impetus and get the creative juices flowing.
I don’t know about you but I feel lonely all the time. I can be in a room full of people, or talking to my co-worker, or sitting on the couch with my partner and still feel incredibly lonely. I think loneliness is not necessarily just an emotion for some but a state of being, a type of depression. The moments I don’t feel lonely are like moments of laughter, fast and fleeting. And then sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all. I just stumble through my day-to-day routine happy that I made it to work and back and capable of little else. Just living seems to exhaust me. I have literally been trying to write something, anything for the past five days. I’ve started a few paragraphs that have trailed off into nothing and then I’ve spent hours on the internet doing mind-numbingly time wasters like surfing Kijiji or Crackbook. I’ve reworked a bit of my NaNo Wrimo stuff here and there but I can’t for the life of me seem to pin down anything of substance.
It also makes me understand why people isolate. I know this sounds ridiculous on paper but in your gut it makes perfect sense, when you’re alone, you don’t feel so lonely. One is not the loneliest number, two is. There’s nothing worse than being part of a couple and feeling completely isolated or better yet, talking to this other person and receiving no answer. But worse still, living with a roommate or in a situation where you are dreading coming home. It also makes me understand why depressed people tend to live alone and prefer it. It might be healthier to be around other people and socialize and interact but being alone … it’s just easier. At least when you’re alone you feel okay about being miserable and not burdening someone else with it or dealing with someone improperly and making the situation worse because you’re depressed. Sometimes I really wish I could just sew my mouth shut for a couple of days.
Right now I feel more lonely in my “relationship” than when I’m by myself. It’s literally the same kind of loneliness you feel when you haven’t been part of a couple for a long time and you’re longing for that connection, that same kind of empty ache that occurs. The friggin’ weather doesn’t help either. (Come on, I am Canadian, we can barely speak a sentence without incorporating the weather into it somehow.) I always go into a funk this time of year and become really jealous of the bears who totally have the right idea, stuff your face, crawl in a cave and don’t come out until spring, yes please! Not to mention how great would it be to lose weight just by sleeping … ah heaven. Yes, that’s the escapist in me talking. Even more depressing, those Philips SAD lights are $200 … but I’m definitely getting one, maybe it will help. (By the way, I’ve done some extensive reading on these lights and apparently these are the best ones. They’re also light weight, portable and look nice 🙂
I’ve been having such a hard time lately. I can’t seem to write anything (well other than this type of shite) but anything of substance seems to elude me. So I decided to just suck it up and post this crap regardless and let the chips fall where they may. And now I’m going to force myself to work on my book …ughhh!!!