Category Archives: Girlie Groove’s Rants

Verbal regurgitation of that which peeves me.

Yes of course I love you, what was your name again?


50-first-dates.jpg

My life is like a slightly more memory conscious version of 50 First Dates. I don’t need to break out the USB every morning to remember by family but close enough. I have recollections of some things but in no particular order and in no time context whatsoever. We could have been friends for 25 years of three weeks, it would feel the same to me. By the same token, I have forgotten people’s names after knowing them for years, forgotten really important life events and dates and much to the chagrin of most of my boyfriends, forgotten nearly all of those pinnacle points in my relationships.  It’s like this hazy, pot smoked, alcohol filled memory that sort of looms up from time to time (except there was no pot or booze at the time but that’s just how it seems in my head) and it doesn’t seem to pick any particular set time to do it or not either. I will have stark moments of clarity and recollection with people where I will remember the happenstance clear as day. The only thing I seem to be fairly good at with any amount of consistency seems to do with music and, I suspect, that has something to do with how I feel about music in general – you know, it drives me, I couldn’t live without it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in a world without music, can you imagine?!

When I Hear Music

Also, the Alzheimer’s Society must agree because they have a program in coordination with 91.1 Jazz FM wherein through donor contributions (I believe) they provide iPods for old folks loaded up with all their fav tunes and they’ve found this has had amazing results. Not surprising really, music soothes the savage beast and all that.

Let the Music Play

(Also those two tracks ought to tell you a teensy-weensy little bit about me, although my music repertoire is vast lemme tell ya.) K, so this is my Soundhound list for recent stuff: Holding On – Gregory Porter, Heaven – Majical Cloudz, Ho Hey – Lumineers, Leben – I Feel You – Schiller, The Passion of Lovers – The Shroud, Dream of You – Shiller, This Corrosion – The Sisters of Mercy, You Got No Right – Velvet Revolver – most of those were awesome tracks I caught bits of on t.v. shows and wanted to hear the whole thing. Some are old standards and that’s seriously just a fleck of dust in the hour glass that is my love of music. Maybe that’s what I should do – just write a book filled with all the songs, entire albums and their songs, and random one hit wonders that have shaped my life.

I’d blather on about all the kinds of music and genres I like but it’d probably be easier to narrow it down to what I don’t like – ga head ax me if you like, otherwise I’ll just leave it at that. One of the things that’s kind of cool about my altered chaotic head is about 50% of the time or more I have a soundtrack playing in the background and it’s amazing how many different songs will flit through my head at any given time and thanks to YouTube and the like, I’ve pretty much got it all at my fingertips. Here’s one that will make your hair stand on end, it’s sooooooo magnificent!

Black Diamond – Yoshiki & The American Symphony Orchestra

So basically, I’m in a perpetual Alzheimer-esk state with bouts of lucidity and a slightly better temperament because I’ve been dealing with it so long. Also, I have some mad skills that just sort of come automatically, but by the same token you can see my several kinds of special say in my journals where sometimes a word will be crossed out three and four times. Okay, yes, sometimes it will be because I misspelled it but most of the time it’ll be because I just couldn’t seem to get my hand to incorporate that missing letter, or I just spazed out and it looks suddenly so bad, it’s illegible. Good times. Still, I really like writing long-hand and it’s a place where I can write sheer drivel and not worry about offending anyone (well, myself later on, s’why I don’t read them over anymore as I’ve said before).

So, if I forget your name, forget who you are, forget our anniversary, forget I took your virginity or any number of poignant life-altering events – just forget it, ‘cause I already have (not on purpose of course). Just remember, being with Danielle involves a lot of forgiving and forgetting, but it’s a lot easier if you do it in reverse like I do.

Yay you! (Better late than never … – originally written August 17, 2015)


Kudos!

“Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.”
Umm yeah, about that, first of all if I wrote thinking about what everybody else wanted to see, hear read, I’d never write a damn thing in the first place and second of all, nothing in life is guaranteed this we all know. People read stuff because they want to, something draws them, they find it interesting not because they’re your friend. (At least I hope you’re not reading this just because you’re my friend and that you’re at least getting some kind of enjoyment out of my meanderings here and there.) Gawd, could you imagine having to read stuff just because you liked someone, wow would we ever have to read a lot of shit every day to keep everyone happy. And about that, art is not necessarily there to make you happy, sometimes people create things that are controversial for the sake of that. They say the worst thing you can do is make something that compels complacency. I always appreciated art that made me angry or upset me even if I proclaimed I didn’t like it I did get that in its raw way it evoked such a passionate response that I could not deny the intensity of the piece regardless of how much I hated it. Hate is a strong emotion, meh is not.
I have however found that writing in this blog and not just for myself has been tremendously rewarding in terms of people actually reading what I’m writing. Honestly guys I’m blushing and overwhelmed and so very thankful for all my friends that have told me that they are reading and OMFG, enjoying my blog *swoons over keyboard a little and has to fan herself. I am soooo honoured you have no idea! So I guess what I’d want you to read most of all is a huge fucking thank you for all your support, comments and appreciation. I cannot even begin to relay in mere words what it has done for me. Oh fuck look what I did there I done went and wrote a blog where I blew smoke up your proverbial butts, well you’re welcome!

For Fuck Sakes – Give me a job!


All of the nothing that I have become brings me to this place of resignation,
Such peaks and valleys as I sit, still … no movement you’d think I was in a state of stasis and yet and yet, my mind is in such a flurry.

I feel myself breaking apart, slowly wilting – it’s like spring and winter melded into one and it’s become a constant struggle for survival and I feel like it’s just out of reach, right there but I just can’t jump quite high enough and so I wither and fade.

It’s not in an obvious way, little pieces of me disappear into the abyss and I find it harder and harder to be present. I mean why? What difference does it make? Who the fuck am I? Is any one individual really relevant? If they were obliterated from the course of history how different would the world really be? But even more to the point how the fuck do I pay my rent?
It’s a little harder to find reason with that reality slapping you in the face.

Okay so the last year plus has been one of the most monumental struggles of my life, I haven’t worked and now I’m unemployed AND out of unemployment. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve worked basically since I was 14 years old and I have NEVER been unemployed for this long. It’s rough out there boy!

In the meantime, I stopped paying for my WordPress site hoping I could generate some advertising and some traffic to my site, what ended up happening was that since it expired in (November?) until now I didn’t even know if it was up and running never mind the other stuff. I’ve just looked at how creative I was getting and how awesome it was and … it’s like well to be cliché I’m just a shadow of my former self.

The advantage of this place is I can really be me, no censoring in case I hurt someone’s feelings, no worrying about who’s reading it because there are only a select few of you and oh my gawd, I’m so grateful for you rare gems.

So I’m having a walk down memory lane … so much easier with YouTube and the like, remember this one?

I know Teddy’s all lovelorn and stuff but honestly this is how I feel about looking for a job right here.

Bet you don’t even know Millie Jackson – well now you do! Let’s see if I can break down the lyrics here for you after you get through the fart monologue which in and of itself is epic …

Here I am baby,
I’m waiting baby,
I’m here in the Lover’s Hotel,
I’m waiting baby
Watching the neon sign,
I’m waiting baby,
The L just went out the neon sign baby
Now I’m reading a sign that says over’s Hotel
But I’m still waiting baby
Now the S just went out baby,
It’s over Hotel
But I’m waiting baby,
I know you not gonna believe this baby but the tel just went out the Hotel
Are you turning out the lights baby?
Are you trying to tell me something baby?
‘cause I’m laying here waiting for you baby and now the light is flashing on and off
over ho, over ho, over ho
Are you trying to tell me it’s over ho?
I’m still waiting baby.
Got on my negligee, I bought it at Sears, Mr. Robart was still there when I bought it baby,
I’m still waiting baby,
I also bought you some shorts baby but I think the fruits have died on the loom,
And these grapes became California raisins
I’m still waiting baby,
Ahhh you made it baby,
I’ve been waiting baby
But since I’ve been waiting so long baby could you just wait five more minutes,
‘cause I’ve been thinking baby and I want to discuss something with you.

And then it breaks into “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and if you don’t know that song or it’s lyrics, hello YouTube, etc. get an edge-um-a-cation and shit.

Anyway, I am posting this rambling diatribe so I can feel like I dipped my toe in the water and work my way back to reality. PEACE! and I’m out *drops the mic.

I’ve lost my Mojo and I Don’t Know Where to Find it … please stand by


As soon as I lost my job, I lost all desire to write or be creative (note last WordPress entry date). It’s like losing my job took away a huge part of me. I’ve started to go back to the gym, quit drinking and gone on anti-depressants and yet it seems the tiniest thing makes me cry and well basically I’m a wreck. I thought I would be okay, I thought I would at least get some bites in the fish pond. To date I have had one interview (turned down by them) and one phone call (salary too low, now wondering if I should have just sucked it up and taken it).

I did get a severance package and I am eligible for EI but that does nothing for your sense of well-being when you’ve pretty much worked full-time since you were 14. I collected student welfare once for three months in my youth, that’s about it. I’ve never collected EI. Which brings me to another point, why did they change it from Unemployment Insurance to Employment Insurance? Fact is, we’re unemployed when collecting it, did they think it would have a better ring to it? I think it’s now a misnomer. Why do government agencies think beautifying the terms will change anything. That guy is not wheel-chair bound, he’s crippled, any way you cut it, visually impaired – blind, why did mental retardation become a derogatory term, does it not denote exactly what it is, a retardation in development? Why are people so fucking hung up on labels and criticising each other that they are more concerned about terminology than important things like the thousands of Africans being killed? Anybody read up on genocide regularly?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. How about South Sudan, anyone following what’s going on over there?

And another 200 dead trying to flee the war when their boat sinks.

Still hundreds more killed. But hey, let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on cyber bullying and the one or two kids (who probably had other psychological issues beyond the bullying) that committed suicide over this issue and make THAT a huge platform of importance in this country. What the fuck?!

So you see, I feel like a total dweeb for saying, oh poor me, I lost my job and because of that am finding it difficult to write. However, there you have it. If you’re feeling kind of shitty, be thankful that you don’t live in South Sudan at the moment. Have any of us really known, starvation, poverty, war? Maybe the few gracious souls who have fought in combat overseas, that’s about it. We are so fucking entitled and self-absorbed it’s not funny and because of that I feel like a total hypocrite wining about my ‘oh poor me, I lost my job and am feeling uninspired’. Unfortunately, South Sudan and all the other conflicts do not diminish these feelings … sigh, hella lame.

She Sees the World Through Rose Coloured Glasses …


Sad but True

I don’t know if it’s really the saddest or harshest criticism anymore because I am well aware of the fact that I talk too much, however at this point it’s something I’ve accepted in myself and I’ve realized that I hate when people don’t talk enough so … One of my biggest beefs in a lot of my relationship is that my partner wasn’t being forth coming with their feelings and then resenting me because I didn’t know how they were feeling. Really?! What are you a girl? Sorry but that is so the stereotypical girl statement of ‘you should know how I’m feeling’ what do I look like Kreskin?!

What I don’t like is that I don’t know how to listen properly. It is only in the last few years that I have started to realize how skewed my perspective is and how much I mould things round to the way I wanted them to sound versus what was actually said. It’s an extreme form of lying to oneself that I’m really not sure how to combat. I mean if you think you heard x, y, z how can you go back and hear it properly? It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for the last few months because I’m trying to decipher where my lies end and the other person’s begins OR am I totally misconstruing nearly everything I hear and switching it in my head to suit my views? I have honestly thought about installing a close-circuit camera and monitoring our conversations so I can see just how bad my misperception of situations are (also, maybe so the other party in the situation can see that sometimes they make these same mistakes too, but that is a whole different conversation and we’re not here to talk about them), this is the Danielle show.

Kind of funny too because I’ve had the flu for the past few days and today I woke up with laryngitis. Man the irony in my life is just endless.

rose coloured glasses