Author Archives: Girlie Groove

About Girlie Groove

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Gloomy


A good friend of mine gave me the link to his blog today. First off I realized how much more prolific he was than I. My attempts at “blogging” are haphazard at best. I still really love writing but as I get older I feel less and less relevant, especially now when I am once again unemployed and while I’ve been on seven interviews (seven!!!), not one company has offered to hire me. I will have to resort to temping when my EI runs out to make ends meet but in the meantime, it means if I don’t find something in the next few weeks (which seems highly unlikely at this point, I’ve been looking since January), I can sort of take the summer off.

Last time this happened I was so petrified of never getting a job again that I just sat around for a year and half in terror. I decided I was going to be more Doris Day about it this time.

Que Sera Sera

I’m no spring chicken here and my mortality, while not a grave concern, is imminent and ever looming. I don’t have any kids and I’m not speaking to my Mom at the moment, my brother’s trying to raise a family and my sister’s estranged in L.A. When it comes right down to it, I have nobody. Honestly if I keeled over tomorrow, I think the only person who would be really emotional about it is my long-time partner Hubert (who never ever fucking reads my blogs … but I digress).

So I’m trying to think of what to do with the story I started to write – the ideas I had, my life in general. I have two dogs and a cat but I could always move the pets. I’m honestly thinking about upping stakes and just moving somewhere off the grid and seeing how long I could survive with a tricycle, a patch of land and some animules to care for/eat when they die. Goats, chickens, rabbits – couldn’t do cows or pigs, that’s a big nope on my end.

I really wish I had my license – another thing I have been saying for literally decades and because I forked out a couple grand once for nothing basically (long story short, took lessons, guy showed up in different car, panicked and flunked test, then practiced with step-dad, went for test, not allowed because of dealer plates, got other car at last minute, flunked), never tried after that … was too humiliated. And now, because I don’t drive, I’m totally limited in my options. And to top it all off my partner in crime doesn’t have his license either. So the bottom line is, I need to change my life drastically but I’m not sure what I want to do or how to go about it. I can’t get a job in my “chosen” career (I use that term very loosely because I really wanted to be a writer or psychiatrist but settled for working in office which I suppose is a slight step up from the service industry but I may very well end up back there in any event). I’d love to change my designation altogether and do something else for the next 10 to 15 years, but I have no idea what that is. People have suggested stuff, mortgage broker, personal trainer, part of the issue with that is the cost and the time – but mostly, I’m not interested in that. I saw a post the other day of a guy that gets paid to walk and talk with people. I’d love to do that for a living but I doubt that would cover off my cost of living.

Then there’s the issue of my living circumstances, I have a lovely spare room, furnished but it also has quite a bit of my stuff in it. I have been doing really well over the past year or two decluttering my place but in order to get that room down to the bare bones, I’d have to get rid of about a quarter of what I own in clothing and possessions … but this being unemployed thing may compel me to suck it up. Also, my apartment is stupidly designed with the bedrooms side by each – some nutbar in the seventies decided this would be a good idea, assuming that everyone living in these units would be young families with kids. Okay, let me tell you, at the moment not one “young family” lives in any of these units. So anyway, the point is it’s not especially private for me or the roommate. Also, I haven’t had a roommate per se in about 30 years so it would be a big adjustment. Although, to be honest, lately I’ve been wishing more and more for some companionship and I would get that in a roommate (assuming they weren’t a complete asshole who I loathed). If I got a roommate though I wouldn’t have to worry nearly so much about the job thing – I could get something that pays less and be okay. But right now, I am so not okay it’s not funny.

The problem is I am mediocre … it sounds self-deprecating I know, but it’s the truth. When it comes to my job, that’s what I am, mediocre. I don’t suck at it but I don’t have enough “shine” to stand out in the crowd and with things the way they are today you have to be top tier to get the position. I guess when my EI runs out, I’ll go back to temping until someone hires me proper – how lame to have to do that this close to retirement. And you know what also blows too – I worked so fucking hard when I was younger, supported other people, went to school, etc. I should have something more to show for this than memories of Voodoo, Dominos, Larry’s Hideway and a few friends who seem to haphazardly care about me.

Oh yeah, that’s another thing. I feel totally like an afterthought in most people’s lives at the moment. I have been going out of my way to try and connect with people and it’s like I’m important, but you know, not that important. Like people will just not respond to my texts … at all. I will have to text them back. Stuff like that. So I’m starting to withdraw more and more and I suppose I will start focusing a lot more on my writing. At least that way I can feel like I’m accomplishing something at least. And remember …

try not to be

Lost


I woke up dazed … on a heap of something that smelled distinctly like garbage in the back of an alley. Bleary eyed I gazed around, nothing looked familiar. I don’t mean I didn’t recognize the street or surroundings, I mean nothing looked familiar. The buildings were all weird and geometric looking, there was stuff flying about overhead and this weird buzzing in my ear that sounded like coms offline. I went to scratch my ear and felt some kind of weird implant there, as I tapped on it the static cleared and voices started to come through but they weren’t speaking any language I knew – where the fuck was I?

I drew myself upright and started to really look around – it was like stuff I’d seen in science fiction movies or read about in books. I thought wow, this is the most intense and realistic dream I have ever had. I tried to remember the night before. Did I drop? What was I doing? What day was it? My mind blanked. I looked down and saw I was wearing some silvery type garment that looked like one of those thermal blankets the paramedics use, but it didn’t crinkle or rustle. Actually it felt kind of nice and it enveloped my body almost like a second skin. It had a little flap in front of my mimsi but otherwise, I could have been naked.

It seemed like it was early because there were no people about, although the light insinuated it was not early in the morning. I looked up and saw there was some kind of dome above us and this was creating the light, everything looked like it was LED lighting but there were no obnoxious billboards – only blank spaces of black everywhere which confused the hell out of me. After taking in my surroundings I realized one, I felt like I was starving and two, there was no people or animals or anything around … It was like this world only had me in it. I was trying not to freak out entirely because I knew that wouldn’t help but fear was slowly creeping up from my ankles and enveloping my whole body, my lip started to quiver and I wiped back tears angrily. What the fuck was going on?

I looked around to see if there was anything by me that could give me a clue, that’s when I spotted the silver knapsack lying crumpled beside the (what I could only assume was) garbage heap. I say assume because it was the strangest mish-mash of “garbage” I had ever seen. It had a kind of rotting smell but it was not a small I was familiar with, it smelled less fleshy and more chemically if that makes any sense. All of this was very confusing and disorienting. I grabbed the knapsack to see if it held any clues. The bag left me with more questions than answers. It was filled with little contraptions of different shapes and sizes all seemingly sealed up vault tight. I took one and turned it around slowly looking for clues as to what it was. As I touched a surface suddenly a blue box lit up, I touched it and it beeped “incorrect scan, please administer again”. Okay this was some next level iPhone shit right here I figured so I put my thumb on the screen. Sure enough it started opening into a fucking virtual reality computer screen! Mind blown. I think I just sat there for two minutes with my mouth open.

***

I looked in awe at the screen and tried to surmise how this thing worked and see if I could glean some information about what had happened. Memories were zapping in my brain in fits and starts, disjointed bits and pieces of a much bigger jigsaw puzzle. I had no idea what the big picture was. Every time something flashed through it was like a jolt that physically hurt, like electrical impulses … electrical impulses … that’s it, I had been playing a virtual reality game when this happened and … it was in this world! Oh my fucking gawd I think I crossed over! I looked at the reflection in the screen and sure enough, I had blue skin, pink and purple dreadlocks and a wicked angular face and body – I was my avatar. Okay this had to be a dream, “wake up, wake up, wake up!” I screamed. This brought two weird looking rolling robot looking thingies speeding towards me. (Kind of like this – will get a better image later … this hair is horrible, but I digress.)

avatar

 

“Good day Echelon Three and how may we assist you? Do you need medical assistance? Let us perform a scan please.” And with that before I could answer they took out this scanner thingy and proceeded to scan me from top to bottom. What the fuck was an Echelon Three and what were these things? Okay, yeah, I was familiar with the setting and my avatar … errr me I guess now, but that’s where it ended. This was not the game and I’d never seen these things before.

“Errrmmm hi! I seem to have hit my head and I don’t remember anything. Could you please give me some information, like what my name is and how to get home?”

The other robot thingy that had been just hovering there spun around on it’s axis so suddenly I jumped.

“No memory? This does not compute. I will have to access my database. Your name is Echelon Three, you live in the upper delta quadrant of Simling Four. You can request a hover transport to assist you to your quarters.”

“Yeah, okay, that’s terrific and how exactly do I do that?”

The robot thingy paused, I swear it looked like it was tilting its head quizzically at me almost as if dumbfounded. Yeah well, join the club buddy. This wasn’t exactly my idea of another day in paradise either. Why couldn’t I have woken up on a beach with techno music in the background and lots of lovely scantily clad people instead? Oh fuck, I wonder what the hell my body looks like under here. Oh my gawd, what if I can’t have sex anymore! The robot thingy brought me out of my panic attack.

“Any requests or desires you have can be initiated by interfacing with your personal online computer.” Okay, at least this was something, I knew what that was. Interface, okay if it was a thumb scan, maybe there was voice recognition but how did I address it. I looked at the screen, cleared my throat and said officiously, “computer, arrange for transport home”. Nothing happened, figures.

“Ummm excuse me … (what the hell did I call this thing?) … as I said, I’ve lost my memory so first of all, how do I address you?”

“We are Helix, all manner of our forms respond to this, there is no differentiation between one or the other.” Okay, so I guess they operate en mass, hmm wonder if they’re like cyborgs all interconnected? Okay Groove steady on there Chiclet, let’s not get off course.

“Okay … Helix. So ummmm how the … how do I get home.” I had to resist doing air quotes when I said this. I had no idea what the political climate was here. Who knows, it might have been seen as a sign of aggression. Everything around me kept altering and shifting, the buildings, the surroundings, it was this fluid environment that quite frankly was making me queasy. I just wanted to get to some place static so I could think. Also, I really didn’t want to wretch right now which is all I would do because also I was fucking starving. Oh, shit, I didn’t even know if this blue thing could eat … this was getting more and more complicated. Okay but if I felt hungry that had to mean I could eat right? Helix once again brought me back from my panic.

“What is home?” Oh fuck.

“Okay, where do I reside?”

“I am not familiar with this phrase.” I sighed rubbed my brow and tried again.

“Where is the Echelon Three storage facility?”

“You can get to this by interfacing with your computer.” Arrrrggghhhh!!!

“And how do I do that exactly?”

“You place your thumb in the prompt, put your eye up to the retinal scan and make a verbal request.” Oh, of course, why didn’t I think of that – as if. I hoped this worked because I was exhausted as shit and fucking petrified. Although I’m not sure this pod or whatever the fuck it was I was going to be taken to was going to make me feel any safer but it was better than sitting in the middle of this street, well not really a street, more like this static holographic image that maintained while everything else shifted around me, except my immediate vicinity. It was like I was in some weird graffiti alley on Queen Street with exceptional art I might add, but it only existed until I could not see it … if that makes any sense.

As lovely as the imagery was I still didn’t know what was going on and obviously Helix had limited function and brain capacity. I’d call them assistant drones or something … at this point I really didn’t care to clarify this or any other points I just wanted to get somewhere “safe”.

 

Rock and Roll


via Daily Prompt: Undulate

Oh how I wish I were sitting by an ocean at this particular minute. Alas, I’m broke and from the looks of things global warming is doing a helluva number on anywhere that used to be known as a place to go to retreat. Not sure if you’ll have two weeks of sun or a hurricane, tsunami, mudslide or hell, if you’re Florida, it might even freeze over. Is that like hell freezing over? Have we reached that point in this mortal coil that is the winding down of this world as we know it.

My theory is that this has all been done before, including all the technological advances, etc., etc. And there might be people or beings out there somewhere watching us, but they have no interest in coming here and “observing” us because they’ve just watched us repeat this pattern of crawling out of the ocean, standing upright, inventing survival tools and survival skills and then summarily destroying ourselves through our vices.

I don’t believe in god, I believe in a circle of life. I believe that if you try to be the best person you can be, you will hopefully get rewarded but I have become extremely skeptical about that as of late. Donald Trump as President, what the actual fork, knife and spoon is going on people?! Next it’ll be O.J., because who cares if you rape, pillage, plunder and kill, if you’re royalty – or in this day and age, some kind of media star. At least athletes are heralded for some type of actual sacrifice and accomplishment, albeit way to much above and beyond what they should be.

This is Our World – Steve Cutts

People are so busy being trapped in their PMDs that they scarcely look up from their screens anymore. I have taken to saying things out loud directly to people in public when they piss me off and do you know, most of the time they don’t even friggin’ notice! No, I’m not joking. I have started to tell people to get off their phones when they are walking and saying stuff like “don’t walk and text”. What has our world come too that people are so oblivious that they think it’s socially acceptable to walk into another person? WOW just wow.

I’m scared for our future, I honestly am and the older I get, the more I am confident that not having a child was one of the most selfless things I have ever done and although at times it hurt and I felt longing, I’m proud, so at least there’s that, that and if I close my eyes right now, I can hear, smell and see the ocean and the waves crashing on the shore and then slowly undulating out to sea.

The 365 Day Challenge – Getting Unstuffed


No, I don’t want to own only 33 items of clothing, no I don’t want to be able to fit everything I have in a knapsack, no I don’t want to get rid of my t.v. or cable. Having said that, I already don’t drive or have kids or own property, so I have a few huge minimalism things covered. My pets are dwindling and I’m getting very good at getting rid of stuff lately. Then there’s the age old adage – what do I really want? I want this, I want to sit down every day and write and sustain myself in that way.

I haven’t really thought about it for a few years, I’ve kept myself busy with the usual crap at home, work, attempts to go to the gym regularly, etc. but it always comes back to this and why aren’t I doing it on a regular basis and why am I so lame about taking care of myself? I start writing and then I just let it veer off into the ether, what is wrong with me?!

So I thought, perhaps if I put into play some of the practices to do with minimalism I would free up some space in my mind so that I could start to devote some time to this. (Although I have to say, the getting rid of cable thing is really starting to resonate with me as well, along with the t.v. in my living room … baby steps).

The other thing about embarking on something like this is I have to consider those around me. Okay granted I don’t live with anyone but I spend a great deal of time with someone and I wonder what they would think? Although, they don’t have a television so …

Then there’s the whole getting rid of debt thing. Sheesh, I can’t imagine. I’ve owed thirty or forty grand for as long as I can remember. I have started to chip away at things but I’ve been doing a haphazard job at best.

So I’ve decided today that I’m going to clear out my spare room as best I can and have the option of renting it. I can’t see myself staying at my job forever – and the threat of being fired or laid off has always loomed over me at this place. Plus it is a toxic, horrible place to work and so not where I want to be. I sit in an internal office all day with air pumped in and maladjusted, bitter, angry people all around me. I’ve just recently gone on anti-anxiety medication because between the situation with my neighbour and work I am totally stressed out.

So we’re back to the whole minimalism thing. I have no desire to backpack around the world and I like my creature comforts but honestly, what do I really need all this shit for? I was going through my closet today, pulling stuff off the hangers and throwing it in a bag and thinking, why do I feel compelled to keep buying this shit? So I thought if I wrote it for myself that as of January 10, 2018 I vow not to buy anything for a year unless it’s something I need (i.e. food, cleaning products, pet care stuff, replacement light bulbs, etc.) and challenged myself that would be a good thing and NO, it is not a fucking New Year’s resolution, it’s an about fucking time resolution.

Costa Rica, 70% Cacao, Orgasms and Sweat


via Daily Prompt: Treat

Anything that sends the endorphins rushing, a great song, amazing chocolate, an orgasm, hitting that plateau at the gym. But I think the biggest rush of all is when you have free time that is all your own. It’s January, it’s fucking cold as hell here in Toronto – today’s balmy at a minus eight degrees celcius (feels like minus eighteen), dropping to -17 for the high on Saturday. So my ultimate pleasure right now is the idea of a warm sunny beach by the ocean.

http://cdn-image.travelandleisure.com/sites/default/files/styles/1600×1000/public/1507843097/manuel-antonio-beach-costa-rica-CRFLIGHTDEAL1017.jpg?itok=fjgae50O

I used to go away every winter but life has been hard these past few years. I didn’t work for about a year and half, took the first job I could get and while the job itself isn’t that bad, the people suck balls hard. Plus I’m working in this room that was originally (I kid you not) supposed to be a safe room and storage place. When I first started working the air conditioning was out for like three months and I had this huge exhaust fan in front of my desk which was totally noisy but a nice distraction of white noise. When they took it away I had to listen to my putrid co-workers who never had anything nice to say about anything or anyone and certainly weren’t nice to me.

One of them has thankfully left now (retired) but the other piece of garbage lives on, making my life hell on a daily basis. Oh and did I mention our desks are about three feet apart and there’s absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I can’t even see a window from where I sit. It’s friggin’ inhumane. And they say we have all these human rights, blah, blah – how about a right to real air and sunshine? Nope, guess not.

I could really use a vacation – and a new job. I always thought I’d become a famous writer, and here I am stuck in a putrid law firm, cranking out documents for other people. Funny how life turns out.

SmashingHeadOnKeyboard