Qualm – the Opposite of Calm, Who Knew?! OH Kwam, I See.


via Daily Prompt: Qualm

Yeah, I had to look it up first as defined by Oxford:

An uneasy feeling of doubt, worry, or fear, especially about one’s own conduct; a misgiving.

‘military regimes generally have no qualms about controlling the press’ “
And then I was all like “oh kwams – I probably knew how to spell that at some point and completely forgot, lol. So I had no qualms about continuing to write about it as I now knew what the word was. English is a really weird language. I feel sorry for anyone trying to learn it, although have you seen Japanese?! Picture letters, although I guess with so few people actually ‘writing’ these days, everything’s a lot easier with keyboards, voice intuitive programs, translation programs, etc. I mean realistically you could have an entire conversation with someone whose language you don’t speak through these mechanisms and still communicate fairly well. Although, I don’t know if you’ve used Google translate or whatever, but some of the faux pas can be quite hysterical and totally inappropriate, so I’d have qualms about just leaving it up to a program without any comprehension of what it was actually saying. You can never fully decipher context properly, and a lot of times I’ve been frustrated because I can’t remember the colloquial phrase and it just gives me a stupid literal translation which, thanks program I could have used a dictionary if I wanted that, does not always serve you well.
I have qualms about being honest on social media lately, someone righteously pointed out to me that Facebook (Crackbook) is not a place for opinions and they were so right and I never even thought about it before then and when I did, I realized that it all boiled down to my being lazy, using a social media platform when in fact, I should stop looking at memes and cute dogs and kittens so much and actual get on a site that might educate and inform me a bit and get back to reading stuff that, you know, took more than 30 seconds. Oh my gawd, how my attention span has dwindled! I found this when I wrote an entry here the other day. I was all, hey that was a pretty good entry and I looked back and it was like three paragraphs, it kind of made me sad.
So now I’m trying to change some recently developed habits, which shouldn’t be too hard as they are ‘recent’. I’ve started going back to the gym again, that’s something, now if only I could start reading again more extensively. I reluctantly have to admit that I will have to limit myself from Crackbook from now on. I swear it is stunting my mental capacity and it certainly is lessening my attention span. So that’s my small blather for today. Be well, and be nice to yourself and don’t have any qualms about changing for the good because most of the time, change is good!

Temporary is a state of being


via Daily Prompt: Temporary

Temporary is a great thing because it means this too shall pass. Temporary can be unsettling because it may not last. Temporary is fluid and constantly in a state of flux. Temporary is a good description of your situation as you move from here to there but aren’t quite where you want to be yet.

Right now I am temporarily in limbo and trying to move through it as gracefully as possible – which, unfortunately, because it is a state of the heart will take some time. I’m okay with that.

I’m not okay with the state of my body and hoping that is definitely going to be a temporary thing. I have told people, I have written it down and now I’m putting it in print – I am joining the YMCA today. Hopefully that will light a fire under my ever widening behind. I miss the gym, I miss the rush, I miss that fix that is like nothing else.

It’s so silly too because I know doing that will make me feel better and get me out of this temporary state of depression that much faster, but I get home at the end of the day and I’m all “ughhh life is so hard, poor me, I’ll take care of the dogs and eat chocolate and other crappy food that’s not good for me, watch t.v., crackbook and sulk”, so you can see how easily I got here.

I have been a gym rat several times in my life and I’ve always enjoyed it. But I’ve always had a hard time getting myself to start again, every time it seems to get harder. What is it about humans that prevents us from doing exactly what we need, what is the best thing for us and what we know will make us feel better? Why are we so self-defeating and destructive?

Every day I see things about the human condition that make me sad and bring tears to my eyes. I worry for the state of this world and the utter chaos we seem to be living in with so many different cultures and beliefs encroaching on each other. I do not think any good can come from this. I think our current blissful state is very much temporary at this point and it’s all going to come crashing down at an alarming rate in the not too distant future. I don’t think we’ll have the luxury of WordPress, I think we’ll be running for our lives.

Luckily my stay here is only temporary.

Another Saturday Night …


And I ain’t got nobody, I got some money ’cause I just got paid, oh how I wish I had someone to talk to, I’m in an awful way. Apparently I have over 800 friends according to Facebook but come the weekend I find myself puttering around by myself. I do not get phone calls to be invited out, I do not have friends popping by to visit (which I just love and have encouraged my whole life). In fact, people seem to have no issue whatsoever discarding me like used Kleenex whenever it suits their needs. If this sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, I am. I’m tired of being lonely, I’m tired of reaching out to people and them just slapping me away like a bothersome fly when it suits them. I am REALLY tired of chasing after people. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to get people to like me and it hasn’t worked at all. So I’ve stopped trying, I’ve stopped chasing and now I’m alone in my own right, but still, sometimes I get lonely.

Complacency is Underrated


kitten and puppy in flowers

I haven’t written for quite some time because, well to be honest, I haven’t really felt like it. There’s been no great flux in my life, no travesty or amazing adventure, I’ve just been humming along. Now that this has come to abrupt halt, unfortunately not in the amazing adventure way, I’m realizing that while my creativity may have been lagging and I may not have been skipping down the road, complacency is highly underrated. Oh sure you’re not jumping for joy but you’re not contemplating slitting your wrists either. The big dilemma for the day is did the dogs poop, what should you eat and which programs are you going to watch? Now I get why I put everything away in a box for so long and, well, basically put off feeling because as it currently comes crashing down on my head I realize I didn’t miss this part  – at all – and let’s face it, the lows far outweigh the highs.

I’ve never been diagnosed but I am pretty sure I’m manic or bipolar or one of those uppy downy ones because my roller coasters used to be epic. So I gave up the highs to forgo the lows – at least I thought I did. But I think it was pretty much the equivalent to taking medication, I mostly felt nothing. I now seem to be clearing the haze and with that comes a lot of pain and loneliness and cheese and crackers this is so overrated!

I have settled for the last eight years of my life, not in a bad way, just in an “I ain’t that happy either” way. It’s left me … well pretty listless and very fat, two things I am not exactly over the moon about as you can imagine. It’s also taken away from my desires, my most heartfelt desires!

Lately I’ve been feeling really blue and  lethargic I chalk it up to the time of year, a rotten cold, girl stuff but I also realized I had not been taking my vitamins, specifically my 5 HTP – this seems to have made a HUGE difference in my life and I wanted to mention it to others who go through deep depression (and aren’t on meds – you would have to speak to your doctor if you are, as it may be contraindicated and the verdicts still out on mixing scripts with holistic stuff, no conclusive studies, blah, blah). It helps increase your serotonin. From Web MD “Since 5-HTP increases the synthesis of serotonin, it is used for several diseases where serotonin is believed to play an important role including depression, insomnia, obesity, and many other conditions.” I’m not advocating it, just saying that I experimented with a lot of holistic stuff (valarian root, melatonin, St. John’s Wort) and this seems to be the one for me. I take it during the day, usually at lunch time and it seems to keep me balanced. I’m hoping maybe my highs and lows will come  back in a less monumental form and soon I’ll be posting pictures of flowers and puppies and kittens in earnest!

Ramble on


First of all, my humblest apologies for being so lame. Now I understand how people find it hard to write and give up. Seems that’s exactly what I did. The funniest thing happened though to start me on the “road to recovery” – a friend wrote to me from jail. Well, is he a friend? That’s kind of up for debate. I’ll get to that in a moment. So of course, I wrote him back and it reminded me how long it’s been since I’d written. Typing his letter was great and writing here is great too but I mean, written.

For most of my life, I have diligently kept a journal, granted the majority of it is lame, boring and self-absorbed and no one in their right mind would want to read it I suspect but it’s a great way to vent and actually handwriting things is oh so cathartic. It’s so much more intense than typing and I’m sad to see it going by the wayside which brings me back to my mantra of I’m glad I won’t be alive in 50 years. (I used to say 100 but let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger here folks.)

I really want to write a book and now that I actually feel like writing one, I have no fucking idea what I want to write about. How ludicrous is that? I mean there are a lot of things I’m passionate about and yeah, I can easily ramble on for a page or two about some thing or other but … I’m out of my depth here.  I started a few “books” at many points in my life but they never came to anything. They say write what you know but I mean seriously, what do I know?! … sighs. There’s lots of things I like … I just have no idea what I should write about. It’s weird the older I get, the more open and therefore uncertain I become – not in a flaky, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing kind of way, just less adamant in my opinions are more open to suggestion and thinking outside the box.  Anyway, happy Monday everyone, oh, and if you want me to write about anything, anything at all – let me know and I will tackle the topic!