I’ve essentially been on my own since I was 14. I’ve supported myself, lovers as well as friends not to mention copious amounts of furry family members along the way. Asking for help is not an option. The few times I have asked for help it has been rebuffed in one way or another with a few rare and deeply appreciated exceptions. I don’t have a best friend although at the moment I have a boyfriend. It’s been four and a half years but that doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Ironically, he’s one of the few people who I feel like I can rely on in my life and because of that I push him away.
You see my life motto has always seemed to be the best defence is a good offence. This has not worked out well for me. I have alienated a lot of people in my life. I also tend to come on like a freight train. I’ve tried to put the brakes on that lately and I have actually been eliciting the help and advice of others. To that end, I am going to slowly start writing again. It’s amazing how easy it is to lose oneself trying to survive as a separate being. I think life would be much easier if I were able to lean on others more and not feel the need to control things so much. I think people are isolated and unable to ask for help because they think it is relinquishing control. I think a lot of things.