Tag Archives: daily prompt

Suddenly


No, I don’t think so.

tears

This daily prompt said “when everything was going wrong and suddenly you knew it would be alright”, the person who wrote this has obviously never had their whole world fall apart because even if you do have a moment of clarity or certain epiphanies along the way, nothing about tragedy is “suddenly” fixed. It usually takes days of depression and buckets of tears, heartache of any kind from any number of things is painful.

For me the most painful loss is of a partner and ironically I’m in the process of losing one at the moment so this pain is very pungent and clear to me at the present time. In fact, the only reason I’m writing this right now and not blubbering away is because I’m at work so I have to pretend to have it together as that massive pain in the middle of my chest, that I haven’t felt for so long I almost believed it wouldn’t happen again, seems to rip open a hole even bigger than the last time. This too I thought impossible, wrong again.

lonely

As to it “suddenly” being alright, see above. No, even if this does somehow work itself out (which it always does, one way or the other, even if the initial result is not what you were hoping for), there is definitely no suddenly about it. When I read that prompt it actually made me angry, it’s like everyone’s delusion with romantic love and this idea of “falling deeply in love”. That’s not how love should be, love should be something comfortable and almost natural feeling. It shouldn’t be all head over heels and crazy, it shouldn’t be something that you have to struggle to make work or right. Sure, in every relationship there are pitfalls and hardship as well as moments of exultation and adoration but the good ones have a certain kind of gentle ebb and flow that make them last throughout the years with (at least it seems to me as I have yet to have had such a thing) little turmoil or heated disagreement.

Right, time to go home, now I can retreat and quietly fall apart for awhile.

I am a Rock, I am an island …


<a href=" ” title=”I am a Rock” target=”_blank”> 

I’ve essentially been on my own since I was 14. I’ve supported myself, lovers as well as friends not to mention copious amounts of furry family members along the way. Asking for help is not an option. The few times I have asked for help it has been rebuffed in one way or another with a few rare and deeply appreciated exceptions. I don’t have a best friend although at the moment I have a boyfriend. It’s been four and a half years but that doesn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Ironically, he’s one of the few people who I feel like I can rely on in my life and because of that I push him away.

You see my life motto has always seemed to be the best defence is a good offence. This has not worked out well for me. I have alienated a lot of people in my life. I also tend to come on like a freight train. I’ve tried to put the brakes on that lately and I have actually been eliciting the help and advice of others. To that end, I am going to slowly start writing again. It’s amazing how easy it is to lose oneself trying to survive as a separate being. I think life would be much easier if I were able to lean on others more and not feel the need to control things so much. I think people are isolated and unable to ask for help because they think it is relinquishing control. I think a lot of things.

a rock