Tag Archives: blah blah blah

I’ve lost my Mojo and I Don’t Know Where to Find it … please stand by

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As soon as I lost my job, I lost all desire to write or be creative (note last WordPress entry date). It’s like losing my job took away a huge part of me. I’ve started to go back to the gym, quit drinking and gone on anti-depressants and yet it seems the tiniest thing makes me cry and well basically I’m a wreck. I thought I would be okay, I thought I would at least get some bites in the fish pond. To date I have had one interview (turned down by them) and one phone call (salary too low, now wondering if I should have just sucked it up and taken it).

I did get a severance package and I am eligible for EI but that does nothing for your sense of well-being when you’ve pretty much worked full-time since you were 14. I collected student welfare once for three months in my youth, that’s about it. I’ve never collected EI. Which brings me to another point, why did they change it from Unemployment Insurance to Employment Insurance? Fact is, we’re unemployed when collecting it, did they think it would have a better ring to it? I think it’s now a misnomer. Why do government agencies think beautifying the terms will change anything. That guy is not wheel-chair bound, he’s crippled, any way you cut it, visually impaired – blind, why did mental retardation become a derogatory term, does it not denote exactly what it is, a retardation in development? Why are people so fucking hung up on labels and criticising each other that they are more concerned about terminology than important things like the thousands of Africans being killed? Anybody read up on genocide regularly?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. How about South Sudan, anyone following what’s going on over there?

And another 200 dead trying to flee the war when their boat sinks.

Still hundreds more killed. But hey, let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on cyber bullying and the one or two kids (who probably had other psychological issues beyond the bullying) that committed suicide over this issue and make THAT a huge platform of importance in this country. What the fuck?!

So you see, I feel like a total dweeb for saying, oh poor me, I lost my job and because of that am finding it difficult to write. However, there you have it. If you’re feeling kind of shitty, be thankful that you don’t live in South Sudan at the moment. Have any of us really known, starvation, poverty, war? Maybe the few gracious souls who have fought in combat overseas, that’s about it. We are so fucking entitled and self-absorbed it’s not funny and because of that I feel like a total hypocrite wining about my ‘oh poor me, I lost my job and am feeling uninspired’. Unfortunately, South Sudan and all the other conflicts do not diminish these feelings … sigh, hella lame.

She Sees the World Through Rose Coloured Glasses …

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Sad but True

I don’t know if it’s really the saddest or harshest criticism anymore because I am well aware of the fact that I talk too much, however at this point it’s something I’ve accepted in myself and I’ve realized that I hate when people don’t talk enough so … One of my biggest beefs in a lot of my relationship is that my partner wasn’t being forth coming with their feelings and then resenting me because I didn’t know how they were feeling. Really?! What are you a girl? Sorry but that is so the stereotypical girl statement of ‘you should know how I’m feeling’ what do I look like Kreskin?!

What I don’t like is that I don’t know how to listen properly. It is only in the last few years that I have started to realize how skewed my perspective is and how much I mould things round to the way I wanted them to sound versus what was actually said. It’s an extreme form of lying to oneself that I’m really not sure how to combat. I mean if you think you heard x, y, z how can you go back and hear it properly? It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for the last few months because I’m trying to decipher where my lies end and the other person’s begins OR am I totally misconstruing nearly everything I hear and switching it in my head to suit my views? I have honestly thought about installing a close-circuit camera and monitoring our conversations so I can see just how bad my misperception of situations are (also, maybe so the other party in the situation can see that sometimes they make these same mistakes too, but that is a whole different conversation and we’re not here to talk about them), this is the Danielle show.

Kind of funny too because I’ve had the flu for the past few days and today I woke up with laryngitis. Man the irony in my life is just endless.

rose coloured glasses

Earwig

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Wikipedia: “It is a common myth that earwigs crawl into the human ear and lay eggs in the brain.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtLqvEYLiRc (hot images, phew!)

Dispelling the myth of habitual perpetuity

Good habits, bad habits

habit

A rather poignant and timely topic for me. Habits keep us chained or unleash us depending on their effect on our day-to-day living. I have as many good as I do bad and I’m always trying to improve on both. My worst habit I think is no follow-through, that and my ability to disconnect from what is actually going on. My brain operates very differently to most I suspect. I have this propensity to envision things in my own varied hue rather than see them in the stark reality of daylight. This has caused a lot of stress and strife in my life. You know the saying “rose coloured glasses”, well mine are more like Groove coloured glasses, my own unique and often fatally flawed perception. It’s hard to sit up and take note of this knowing that it’s something hard-wired. There is no twelve-step program for people who live in a state of delusion on some planes while being a “functioning” member of society. Hi my names Groove and … yeah, no. If I were completely broken I’d be in a padded room but like most, I skate by, coasting in neutral while dreaming of soaring.

So many of us are crippled by fear, all this time I thought I was fearless and now I’m just starting to understand that I am imprisoned by fear. Self-realization is a harsh mistress. It lays you bare and leaves you exposed, vulnerable and encompasses everything that you have been running from in the first place. You must lay yourself open to criticism, failure, ugliness and a myriad of other debilitating factors that will likely leave you writhing on the floor. But there is hope. Hope in good habits, in reworking your flaws and spinning them into attributes, making yourself better little by little so that, at the very least you feel you are building a foundation of stability, a semblance of order and this helps dispel the feelings of futility and exile that leave so many feeling isolated and misunderstood. So every day I must force myself to get up, look in the mirror and declare that “I love you, warts and all” because the cliché is oh so true, if you don’t love yourself how the fuck should anyone else?

I am a creature of habit, its sometimes disarming but I’m okay with that.