Retribution!!!


<a href="http://Thorny“>Thorny

Saw this title and it pricked a nerve for sure for me. I have not been writing for ages – and, in fact, in almost every blog of late, I have rambled on about how I have not been writing – how tedious! I have not had inspiration because there has been little angst in my life and oh so little excitement – to put it bluntly, I’m bored! And I mean hella bored. I’m also getting older and lacking inspiration. What I really need is to fall in love again. I really miss being in love, or being excited over someone. I miss passion in all its many forms. And that is why I have no impetus to write, there’s no passion.

I know it sounds stupid but I don’t want to look for someone either. I want to be walking down the street, or be at the gym, or be at the grocery store and bump into this person and just “bam!” have it happen. Is that really so incomprehensible?

When I think of  the word ‘thorny’ I naturally think of roses, and roses are equated with love and so it brings me back round to – I miss being in love. Someone told me the other day that I have lost my luster and I think that was spot on – no joie de vivre.  I can’t remember the last time I missed or yearned or longed for someone …

On another thorny note, I have a co-worker that I absolutely loathe because she has no life and is constantly trying to micromanage mine. So now I’ve found ways to fight back – ha! Unfortunately I have had to adopt some much abhorred passive-aggressive behaviour to combat this but oh well, better than sitting here stewing in my own juices.

So by way of background, let me give you the whole story on this situation. I have been at my job now for two years and four months. Two of this was sheer and utter hell, I had a verbally abusive boss and co-worker, they micro-managed me, berated me and were just negative nellies ALL THE TIME! For me, I realize that I am spending the vast majority of my days in this hell hole so why not try and make it as pleasant as possible? These women obviously subscribe to another school of thought. Then to top it off, we had this lunatic come to work here that not only was insufferable to work with but sat behind me, complained about everything and made my life hell. I went to HR about it even (after I caught her looking at my email FFS! Total invasion of privacy, it was before her three month probation was up and the should have fired her on the spot) they told me to suck it up. Un-friggin-believable!

But I did because I had recently been unemployed for nearly two years and was petrified that I’d be in the same boat again – let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken here either, the job market in my field blows and I did not want to end up in a Mcjob “do you want fries with that” situation. So I persevered, oh and drank a shit load! On Fridays I could not wait to get off work and start chugging my way into oblivion – this also might have to do with the dull as dishwater situation that I’m in now with my life as well, but I digress.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand – so thrill of thrills, in the spring of this year my boss from hell retired! I honestly didn’t realize how utterly atrocious my work setting was until she left. Then I was just stuck with the co-worker, but it wasn’t so bad because with just the two of us, she now had to rely on me more and things were humming along – albeit at break neck speed because for six months we were down three people, including a boss.

It was tough at times, but we managed and both knew it wouldn’t be that way forever. Out of sheer necessity, she got “promoted” – a big fucking joke if you ask me, she is the most ill-equipped person on the planet to oversee others. Not to mention, her tone of voice when speaking to others is just abominable most times. (By way of background this person has NO social life whatsoever and, from what I can tell, friends that are few and far between. It’s sad really, most weekends she goes to the movies by herself, or hangs out with her parents – she is past 50 years old, never been married and has two cats.)

Nothing bad about the cats by the way, I have a cat, I’m actually glad she has a cat, it’s nice to know she has some company. I feel sorry for her in that regard. But as far as her treatment of me at work goes – holy fuck dude, get a life and stop friggin’ micromanaging me – oh and just of note, it’s only me. Other co-workers have said stuff to me and our senior boss about it too. Still it’s gone on for quite some time.

But now – HALLELUJAH! – we have a new boss whom I love in comparison to the old one. She’s sweet, she’s relaxed and now miss micromanage is in the minority and, if she’s not careful, on her way out as well. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway – to give you an example, as I was writing this – (it’s been really slow for the last few days, and I’ve been thinking rather than spending hours on Crackbook, I’d try and do something at least somewhat creative, so I started writing this), miss fucking nosey parker saw I was writing and messages me asking me to do a “rush job” – even though there are 4 other operators sitting out there with nothing to do (we are a national firm, so have operators in other offices). I ALREADY have a job I’m working on – it’s not due until one so I wanted to sit on it for a bit and do this at the same time, but she sees me not working and gets her fucking panties in a bunch. Sooooooooo she asks me if I can do the rush job, I say “yeah sure” – pick it up, put it in partial and complete my other job instead. By the time I’m finished, someone else has picked up the rush job so “HA!” I can’t tell you how good that made me feel. I know it’s petty but this whole situation is petty. Fighting fire with fire, okay, I’m bad but damn, it felt so good!

Qualm – the Opposite of Calm, Who Knew?! OH Kwam, I See.


via Daily Prompt: Qualm

Yeah, I had to look it up first as defined by Oxford:

An uneasy feeling of doubt, worry, or fear, especially about one’s own conduct; a misgiving.

‘military regimes generally have no qualms about controlling the press’ “
And then I was all like “oh kwams – I probably knew how to spell that at some point and completely forgot, lol. So I had no qualms about continuing to write about it as I now knew what the word was. English is a really weird language. I feel sorry for anyone trying to learn it, although have you seen Japanese?! Picture letters, although I guess with so few people actually ‘writing’ these days, everything’s a lot easier with keyboards, voice intuitive programs, translation programs, etc. I mean realistically you could have an entire conversation with someone whose language you don’t speak through these mechanisms and still communicate fairly well. Although, I don’t know if you’ve used Google translate or whatever, but some of the faux pas can be quite hysterical and totally inappropriate, so I’d have qualms about just leaving it up to a program without any comprehension of what it was actually saying. You can never fully decipher context properly, and a lot of times I’ve been frustrated because I can’t remember the colloquial phrase and it just gives me a stupid literal translation which, thanks program I could have used a dictionary if I wanted that, does not always serve you well.
I have qualms about being honest on social media lately, someone righteously pointed out to me that Facebook (Crackbook) is not a place for opinions and they were so right and I never even thought about it before then and when I did, I realized that it all boiled down to my being lazy, using a social media platform when in fact, I should stop looking at memes and cute dogs and kittens so much and actual get on a site that might educate and inform me a bit and get back to reading stuff that, you know, took more than 30 seconds. Oh my gawd, how my attention span has dwindled! I found this when I wrote an entry here the other day. I was all, hey that was a pretty good entry and I looked back and it was like three paragraphs, it kind of made me sad.
So now I’m trying to change some recently developed habits, which shouldn’t be too hard as they are ‘recent’. I’ve started going back to the gym again, that’s something, now if only I could start reading again more extensively. I reluctantly have to admit that I will have to limit myself from Crackbook from now on. I swear it is stunting my mental capacity and it certainly is lessening my attention span. So that’s my small blather for today. Be well, and be nice to yourself and don’t have any qualms about changing for the good because most of the time, change is good!

Temporary is a state of being


via Daily Prompt: Temporary

Temporary is a great thing because it means this too shall pass. Temporary can be unsettling because it may not last. Temporary is fluid and constantly in a state of flux. Temporary is a good description of your situation as you move from here to there but aren’t quite where you want to be yet.

Right now I am temporarily in limbo and trying to move through it as gracefully as possible – which, unfortunately, because it is a state of the heart will take some time. I’m okay with that.

I’m not okay with the state of my body and hoping that is definitely going to be a temporary thing. I have told people, I have written it down and now I’m putting it in print – I am joining the YMCA today. Hopefully that will light a fire under my ever widening behind. I miss the gym, I miss the rush, I miss that fix that is like nothing else.

It’s so silly too because I know doing that will make me feel better and get me out of this temporary state of depression that much faster, but I get home at the end of the day and I’m all “ughhh life is so hard, poor me, I’ll take care of the dogs and eat chocolate and other crappy food that’s not good for me, watch t.v., crackbook and sulk”, so you can see how easily I got here.

I have been a gym rat several times in my life and I’ve always enjoyed it. But I’ve always had a hard time getting myself to start again, every time it seems to get harder. What is it about humans that prevents us from doing exactly what we need, what is the best thing for us and what we know will make us feel better? Why are we so self-defeating and destructive?

Every day I see things about the human condition that make me sad and bring tears to my eyes. I worry for the state of this world and the utter chaos we seem to be living in with so many different cultures and beliefs encroaching on each other. I do not think any good can come from this. I think our current blissful state is very much temporary at this point and it’s all going to come crashing down at an alarming rate in the not too distant future. I don’t think we’ll have the luxury of WordPress, I think we’ll be running for our lives.

Luckily my stay here is only temporary.

Another Saturday Night …


And I ain’t got nobody, I got some money ’cause I just got paid, oh how I wish I had someone to talk to, I’m in an awful way. Apparently I have over 800 friends according to Facebook but come the weekend I find myself puttering around by myself. I do not get phone calls to be invited out, I do not have friends popping by to visit (which I just love and have encouraged my whole life). In fact, people seem to have no issue whatsoever discarding me like used Kleenex whenever it suits their needs. If this sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, I am. I’m tired of being lonely, I’m tired of reaching out to people and them just slapping me away like a bothersome fly when it suits them. I am REALLY tired of chasing after people. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to get people to like me and it hasn’t worked at all. So I’ve stopped trying, I’ve stopped chasing and now I’m alone in my own right, but still, sometimes I get lonely.

Complacency is Underrated


kitten and puppy in flowers

I haven’t written for quite some time because, well to be honest, I haven’t really felt like it. There’s been no great flux in my life, no travesty or amazing adventure, I’ve just been humming along. Now that this has come to abrupt halt, unfortunately not in the amazing adventure way, I’m realizing that while my creativity may have been lagging and I may not have been skipping down the road, complacency is highly underrated. Oh sure you’re not jumping for joy but you’re not contemplating slitting your wrists either. The big dilemma for the day is did the dogs poop, what should you eat and which programs are you going to watch? Now I get why I put everything away in a box for so long and, well, basically put off feeling because as it currently comes crashing down on my head I realize I didn’t miss this part  – at all – and let’s face it, the lows far outweigh the highs.

I’ve never been diagnosed but I am pretty sure I’m manic or bipolar or one of those uppy downy ones because my roller coasters used to be epic. So I gave up the highs to forgo the lows – at least I thought I did. But I think it was pretty much the equivalent to taking medication, I mostly felt nothing. I now seem to be clearing the haze and with that comes a lot of pain and loneliness and cheese and crackers this is so overrated!

I have settled for the last eight years of my life, not in a bad way, just in an “I ain’t that happy either” way. It’s left me … well pretty listless and very fat, two things I am not exactly over the moon about as you can imagine. It’s also taken away from my desires, my most heartfelt desires!

Lately I’ve been feeling really blue and  lethargic I chalk it up to the time of year, a rotten cold, girl stuff but I also realized I had not been taking my vitamins, specifically my 5 HTP – this seems to have made a HUGE difference in my life and I wanted to mention it to others who go through deep depression (and aren’t on meds – you would have to speak to your doctor if you are, as it may be contraindicated and the verdicts still out on mixing scripts with holistic stuff, no conclusive studies, blah, blah). It helps increase your serotonin. From Web MD “Since 5-HTP increases the synthesis of serotonin, it is used for several diseases where serotonin is believed to play an important role including depression, insomnia, obesity, and many other conditions.” I’m not advocating it, just saying that I experimented with a lot of holistic stuff (valarian root, melatonin, St. John’s Wort) and this seems to be the one for me. I take it during the day, usually at lunch time and it seems to keep me balanced. I’m hoping maybe my highs and lows will come  back in a less monumental form and soon I’ll be posting pictures of flowers and puppies and kittens in earnest!