And I ain’t got nobody, I got some money ’cause I just got paid, oh how I wish I had someone to talk to, I’m in an awful way. Apparently I have over 800 friends according to Facebook but come the weekend I find myself puttering around by myself. I do not get phone calls to be invited out, I do not have friends popping by to visit (which I just love and have encouraged my whole life). In fact, people seem to have no issue whatsoever discarding me like used Kleenex whenever it suits their needs. If this sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, I am. I’m tired of being lonely, I’m tired of reaching out to people and them just slapping me away like a bothersome fly when it suits them. I am REALLY tired of chasing after people. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to get people to like me and it hasn’t worked at all. So I’ve stopped trying, I’ve stopped chasing and now I’m alone in my own right, but still, sometimes I get lonely.
I haven’t written for quite some time because, well to be honest, I haven’t really felt like it. There’s been no great flux in my life, no travesty or amazing adventure, I’ve just been humming along. Now that this has come to abrupt halt, unfortunately not in the amazing adventure way, I’m realizing that while my creativity may have been lagging and I may not have been skipping down the road, complacency is highly underrated. Oh sure you’re not jumping for joy but you’re not contemplating slitting your wrists either. The big dilemma for the day is did the dogs poop, what should you eat and which programs are you going to watch? Now I get why I put everything away in a box for so long and, well, basically put off feeling because as it currently comes crashing down on my head I realize I didn’t miss this part – at all – and let’s face it, the lows far outweigh the highs.
I’ve never been diagnosed but I am pretty sure I’m manic or bipolar or one of those uppy downy ones because my roller coasters used to be epic. So I gave up the highs to forgo the lows – at least I thought I did. But I think it was pretty much the equivalent to taking medication, I mostly felt nothing. I now seem to be clearing the haze and with that comes a lot of pain and loneliness and cheese and crackers this is so overrated!
I have settled for the last eight years of my life, not in a bad way, just in an “I ain’t that happy either” way. It’s left me … well pretty listless and very fat, two things I am not exactly over the moon about as you can imagine. It’s also taken away from my desires, my most heartfelt desires!
Lately I’ve been feeling really blue and lethargic I chalk it up to the time of year, a rotten cold, girl stuff but I also realized I had not been taking my vitamins, specifically my 5 HTP – this seems to have made a HUGE difference in my life and I wanted to mention it to others who go through deep depression (and aren’t on meds – you would have to speak to your doctor if you are, as it may be contraindicated and the verdicts still out on mixing scripts with holistic stuff, no conclusive studies, blah, blah). It helps increase your serotonin. From Web MD “Since 5-HTP increases the synthesis of serotonin, it is used for several diseases where serotonin is believed to play an important role including depression, insomnia, obesity, and many other conditions.” I’m not advocating it, just saying that I experimented with a lot of holistic stuff (valarian root, melatonin, St. John’s Wort) and this seems to be the one for me. I take it during the day, usually at lunch time and it seems to keep me balanced. I’m hoping maybe my highs and lows will come back in a less monumental form and soon I’ll be posting pictures of flowers and puppies and kittens in earnest!
First of all, my humblest apologies for being so lame. Now I understand how people find it hard to write and give up. Seems that’s exactly what I did. The funniest thing happened though to start me on the “road to recovery” – a friend wrote to me from jail. Well, is he a friend? That’s kind of up for debate. I’ll get to that in a moment. So of course, I wrote him back and it reminded me how long it’s been since I’d written. Typing his letter was great and writing here is great too but I mean, written.
For most of my life, I have diligently kept a journal, granted the majority of it is lame, boring and self-absorbed and no one in their right mind would want to read it I suspect but it’s a great way to vent and actually handwriting things is oh so cathartic. It’s so much more intense than typing and I’m sad to see it going by the wayside which brings me back to my mantra of I’m glad I won’t be alive in 50 years. (I used to say 100 but let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger here folks.)
I really want to write a book and now that I actually feel like writing one, I have no fucking idea what I want to write about. How ludicrous is that? I mean there are a lot of things I’m passionate about and yeah, I can easily ramble on for a page or two about some thing or other but … I’m out of my depth here. I started a few “books” at many points in my life but they never came to anything. They say write what you know but I mean seriously, what do I know?! … sighs. There’s lots of things I like … I just have no idea what I should write about. It’s weird the older I get, the more open and therefore uncertain I become – not in a flaky, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing kind of way, just less adamant in my opinions are more open to suggestion and thinking outside the box. Anyway, happy Monday everyone, oh, and if you want me to write about anything, anything at all – let me know and I will tackle the topic!
I’m just going to start writing these entries like letters and ramble on. (My friends who I write to on a regular basis completely understand!)
Lately I’ve 1. been reading other peoples blogs; 2. finished a medical terminology course and 3. have had free time at work (NEVER HAPPENS!!!), I’m fucking ecstatic! So all of this led me to think, hey, I could start writing again a little bit.
I’ve been writing in my journal lately but that’s just mindless “what I did today” drivel, blanc mange and totally not engaging so … I’m casting it out there – what do you want me to write about? (Caveat, I do not do politics or religion, but other than that, have at ‘er.
If you give me a topic, I will write about it annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd go!!!
This is the most toxic, soul sucking, depleting job I have ever worked in and I’ve worked in retail AND in the service industry for many years. There is never a break! There are always people looking over my shoulder and minding EVERY FUCKING THING I DO! I hate it and it makes me want to punch people. I know I should be happy that I have a job but honestly, it’s getting to the point where I’m weighing out the odds against my sanity here. I hate the two people I work with, not as people, I could care less – I actually don’t hate anyone really, but I digress – I hate the way they are constantly negative, constantly berating me, constantly berating others, acting like they are so superior and their shit doesn’t stink – what about morale – HELLO!
The other day one of them was bitching about how attendance is so bad – um yeah, this company shows very little appreciation to begin with and this department surpasses that in leaps and bounds by treating us as second class citizens. It’s really too bad because I actually like the job itself. Okay, well it’s my lunch hour so I’m escaping from this hell hole for an hour!