Holy big improvement batman on the WP platform. So I had to howl the other day when I was telling someone (who has known me for a really long time) that my grand passion has always been to be a writer and he was all, “you should start a blog” – oh you mean like the one I’ve had for the last 10 years that nobody reads, including you, even though I post urls to it when I write on my Facebook … le sigh.
In such a bad place right now. After waiting since June regarding a job, thinking I must get some role, they turned me down on Monday. I’m so bummed and there seems to be nothing out there for me these days. I’m not sure what to do. All I want to do is find a job that doesn’t drive me insane and ride it out for the next few years. I don’t need much for retirement. I’ve got all I need in my house really. I don’t have any overhead … I wish I could just retire now to be honest and just do little jobs here and there but that’s not feasible.
My EI is good until April – so I have to sort something between now and then. However, despite it being close, I’m not in any great rush. I have a bit of backup just in case so that’s helpful but … I really wish I had the impetus to write like I used to but it seems I have no desire or direction to do so anymore. I mean I write in my journal but that’s not “writing” per se, that’s just a way of unloading. Speaking of unloading, honestly I could use a good cry right now.
I’ve decided that I’m not drinking at all while I’m this bummed out so that will be for quite a few days I suspect. I just loathe the idea of having to waste hours and hours combing adds to apply for jobs that I don’t fucking really want in the first place just so I can pay some bills. (Goes and applies for yet another unlikely job … and fuck those “cover letters” especially. I am not wasting my fucking time with those this time round fuck that shit.)
I am watching a fabulous performance piece called Every Brilliant Thing that focuses on suicide and first of all, it’s wonderful! I am also sitting here on my back step listening the rumble of the thunder and wondering if we might finally get the rain that they’ve been threatening us with all week … but I highly doubt it. My emotions were incredibly tumultuous throughout my lifetime and although I am not one anymore, I identify with people who have suicidal ideation as I had it throughout most of my lifetime. And no, it’s not completely gone but when it rears it’s ugly head I treat it as ridiculous or indulge in some cathartic behaviour that quashes it. So I thought it might be helpful to someone to learn what I did to gain control of that fire and cull it to a soft burn instead of a fire that devastates everything in it’s past. I learned how to turn off the screaming in my head and listen to the quiet. It really is that easy. Now mind you it takes YEARS of practice to get it so you can control and actually do it. It’s like turning down the volume on the radio. Although you’ll never be able to completely turn it off. And if you accept that and you accept that, like any discipline, it will take time and lots and lots of practice, you’re on your way. I don’t know where this urge comes from, I suspect it’s partially genetic, like my OCD and ADHD, partially inherited – my Dad killed himself, but mostly I think it’s that people of this predisposition are too, too intense, feel too much, evoke to much, withhold too much, just are altogether too much. This also makes it hard for others to be around you. So get used to be alone a lot now, it will serve you well in the future. What will also take a lot of effort and discipline is learning to love yourself properly when you are full of self-loathing. I master this most days. Some days are a right-off but I muddle through and know that if I come out the other side, tomorrow’s another day, I can start again and maybe this time I’ll feel a bit better. know this, as much as you are able to love yourself, if you are a suicidal person there will always be that voice trying to rear its ugly head and the only way to deal with it is to squash it down. Yell at it if you have to, just don’t let it win.
So I got laid-off/let go AGAIN in June. Every two years for the almost the past decade – it’s getting a bit tedious to be honest. It’s too bad I couldn’t just semi-retire … ah to have money, but I can’t. Probably have to work on and off well into my seventies. And then I’m thinking about all these people on “disability” who have basically fucked the dog their entire life, like that piece of shit, waste of space neighbour that lives to my left and the fact that my taxes have essentially paid for that and you know, it makes me really fucking angry.
I don’t know why Canada keeps pretending like they’re European and caring for their people and concerned about healthcare, etc. when really all they want to do is be like the United States. It makes me sad.
I’m currently reading The Year of Living Danishly and granted it’s a very one-sided view of Denmark from someone who has a lot of money available to them and has never slummed it in her life but it also makes me sad for what Canada could be if it wasn’t so concerned with wealth and greed and trying so hard to be something it’s not. I wish I could leave but honestly, where would I go, what would I do and I know from people around the world that I have a really good setup where I am, even if I’m surrounded by succubus’s that just feed off others and have no purpose in life.
If you think this sounds harsh, please understand this. My piece of shit neighbour has destroyed not one but two units in this complex from not cleaning and allowing her animals to defecate and piss all over the unit. The Co-op, allegedly run by us, has done NOTHING in over 40 years to remediate or deal with this situation because you know “mental health” and all that alleged leftist, now we have no recourse, bullshit.
The last unit cost the co-op $40,000 to remediate (non of which was paid by either her or her mother because they are both sucking on the teat of the system) and the people living in that house now say the basement still (seven years later) smells like piss because it permeated the concrete. While she was living there, her unit had a small fire (due to her negligence), while they repaired it, they rehomed her in the building!
Now this stinky, piece of shit waste of a human being lives next door to me and guess who gets to smell this fucking stench in their unit because of it – me! If you know me, you know my place is spotless, well maintained and my sanctuary. I have a beautiful patio in the summer, a cozy, clean home in the winter and I love spending time here. But as I was saying …
Here’s the best part and a prime example of zero fucks given from this person. Her and I used to hang out (I thought we were friends but that was never the case, I will not bore you with the details of the extent of the malicious commentary she was making about me behind my back but I’m sure you can get the picture). When she was looking to “down-size” (she had fucking been living in a three-bedroom townhouse by herself for over a decade and the co-op I live in was afraid to do anything despite her being completely over housed because everyone’s afraid of her and her bully bullshit family) – who by the way are doing nothing except enabling this woman into a very early grave – she’s in her mid to late 40s now. If she makes it to 60 I’ll be surprised.
At the time we were hanging out and she said “oh hey, a unit beside you is open, I’m going to move in there, it’ll be great!” I begged, pleaded and harangued her to please not do this, I knew it would destroy our friendship, etc., etc. She didn’t fucking listen and moved in anyway. Like I said zero fucks given.
So now she has NO friends in this co-op, everyone hates her, including me – and seriously I thought I would never, ever hate anyone. I am a very forgiving and live and let live kind of person but dude, I fucking hate her with every fiber of my being and it’s not going away. It’s been over five years now.
I found her wallet on the ground a couple of weeks back and it was really hard for me to return it and not throw it in the garbage. I did return it, but I’m still kind of regretting that to be honest. Does that tell you how much I loathe and despise this person?!
About the malicious stuff behind my back, there was kind of a silver lining to that aspect of the story as well. I was still maintaining a friendship with her after she moved in and because of this, she was sometimes looking after my apartment when I went away (although I suspect she was doing little malicious things in my absence) but when I came back, my animals had always been well cared for and my place looked spotless so I was happy to have her do it.
So I came back one time from a weekend away and she had accidentally forgotten to close her Facebook. I read all the emails she had written to other people and what she was saying about me behind my back, none of it was nice. She referred to me as her “frenemy” and said horrible things about me. In retrospect I realized she did this with all of her so-called friends behind their back (with one exception). So I wonder if any of her other friends have clued into this fact.
It’s funny how clueless you can be sometimes but suffice to say, remember folks if they’re talking shit about everyone else then they’re talking shit about you behind your back as well.
I see all my friends getting abundantly creative during this year-long, at this point utterly ridiculous, no valuable statistics to show, let’s make sure Toronto ends up being a poverty stricken barren wasteland of a lockdown. And yet I can’t seem to get back to mine.
I used to love writing, keep a journal and the only way I could feel truly myself was through writing. Over the years I let it atrophy until now the writing adventures are few and far between. I’ve told people I used to write and they say “oh why don’t you start a blog?” Oh you mean like this one that I’ve had for how many ever years and no one fucking reads?! Yeah great idea.
The great thing about “no one” reading it is now that I’ve realized this is the case I can basically write what I want and I don’t have to worry about the thought police and all these hyper judgmental under the guise of politically correct wimpy snowflakes batting their totally inappropriate terms around.
I have two dogs so that’s awesome, they keep me grounded and keep me “here” – I don’t think I would survive without them. I was also hanging out a bit with my my small bubble of people, Hubert, LJ and my Mom but now I’ve lost LJ and Hubert to quarantine because Geronimo (one of LJ’s workers son tested positive). Mind he works in healthcare and gets tested every day which brings me back to the false positives fiasco. WHO is doing a debacle of a job also with regard to that. This whole thing has just been handled so badly.
And NO ONE is talking about the people dropping like flies in many of the African countries (as usual) because who gives a fuck about the poor people. It’s just ridiculous.
Meanwhile our piece of shit government is “helping the homeless” by providing addicts with drug paraphernalia and allowing them to just camp wherever the fuck they want and doing nothing to protect those that live in their midst and going out of their way to totally saturate certain neighbourhoods with thousands of homeless people while completely avoiding other areas, instead of spreading them out and giving them proper housing, outreach programs and the possibility of maybe getting back to a real life instead of living hand to mouth with no hope for the future.
Again the fucking SJWs are calling this “harm reduction” providing them with needles and such. Ask ANY recovered or recovering addict what they think of this and your answer is right there. All these people are doing is helping to kill off the addicts faster. There is NOTHING humane or righteous about this “aid” at all. They are essentially just helping people to commit slow suicide. What the fuck is wrong with these people?! I will almost guarantee you not one person handing out these drug kits was ever an addict, or a victim of an addict, or had a family member die from addiction – because these people find this abhorrent, counterproductive and not “helpful” at all. And yes, I can speak from experience.
I got laid off from my job a little over a week ago and honestly, I’m not worried at this point. I have a year of EI coming to me and I’m in no rush to look for another job, especially since technically I’m supposed to be going back to work at some point. (Don’t think that will happen and besides the whole making me take another job and go into the office fiasco left a REALLY bad taste in my mouth.)
Also being surrounded by people who basically get paid to lie for a living has taken a toll. No one says anything to your face, or talks to you, everything is done in a covert and underhanded way, so much so that most of the time you get blind-sided by things that would have been so much easier to deal with if they talked to you about stuff along the way. I’m so tired of being lied to and people hiding behind feigned smiles.
Okay that’s my rant for the day. Toodles and for anyone who actually read this, I hope you are well, I hope you are surrounded by love or have someone who loves or cares about you and I hope you are healthy and manage at least some semblance of happiness even if the situation is not ideal right now. Oh and PS, I’ve had this blog since 2012 – yep, almost 10 years and I doubt more than 10 people have read it. I do like the idea though of leaving something that’s public so when I die there is at least a small piece of me out there in the internetverse that goes on. (Celine Dion pops in head – oh no!)
I started writing again a a few weeks back in my online journal, but no one can reads that (thankfully) because most of it’s ranting and boring drivel anyway, and yes I do talk about the weather. We live in Canada, it’s a thing. However, there’s no one who can read it. So I thought I’d start yammering along on here too. (Not that anyone will read it either, but at least here there’s a slight chance someone might come across it and either respond or have it help them through something.)
I’m pretty happy for the most part but I miss having someone to talk to on the regular. I miss having someone to call up and tell them all my little daily accomplishments. Silly things like I got a new shower curtain …
I had something happen that made my world shift a little and now I’m dealing with my “new world” which unfortunately doesn’t include a bestie that I can call up every day. Don’t get me wrong, I have several really good awesome gal pals (kind of sucks that three of them are across the country …) but I don’t have someone close by that I want to hang out with on the regular, you know? I miss having someone to stay up late with and giggle about men and stuff. I used to have a couple of men friends too but they seemed to have all but disappeared. Well one is a conspiracy theorist, anti-masker so I just couldn’t even in that conversation and we haven’t talked since.
And it’s not like I’m not trying either, I’m reaching out to people, making myself available – trying to kick it up a notch in the friendship department but people aren’t even responding for the most part, never mind making excuses. (Except as above, certain gal pals aside.)
I gave up the whole missing having a boyfriend thing quite some time ago. I’m trying to make my peace with the idea of not having one of those in the foreseeable or maybe ever. I’m very sad that I never got to get married. Not sad I didn’t have kids, especially now. Honestly I think bringing a child into the world at this point in time is morally reprehensible but that’s just my opinion.