Category Archives: Intuitive Rambling

Writing, journal entries, random thoughts and a lot of my fabulous wit.

For Fuck Sakes – Give me a job!

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All of the nothing that I have become brings me to this place of resignation,
Such peaks and valleys as I sit, still … no movement you’d think I was in a state of stasis and yet and yet, my mind is in such a flurry.

I feel myself breaking apart, slowly wilting – it’s like spring and winter melded into one and it’s become a constant struggle for survival and I feel like it’s just out of reach, right there but I just can’t jump quite high enough and so I wither and fade.

It’s not in an obvious way, little pieces of me disappear into the abyss and I find it harder and harder to be present. I mean why? What difference does it make? Who the fuck am I? Is any one individual really relevant? If they were obliterated from the course of history how different would the world really be? But even more to the point how the fuck do I pay my rent?
It’s a little harder to find reason with that reality slapping you in the face.

Okay so the last year plus has been one of the most monumental struggles of my life, I haven’t worked and now I’m unemployed AND out of unemployment. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve worked basically since I was 14 years old and I have NEVER been unemployed for this long. It’s rough out there boy!

In the meantime, I stopped paying for my WordPress site hoping I could generate some advertising and some traffic to my site, what ended up happening was that since it expired in (November?) until now I didn’t even know if it was up and running never mind the other stuff. I’ve just looked at how creative I was getting and how awesome it was and … it’s like well to be cliché I’m just a shadow of my former self.

The advantage of this place is I can really be me, no censoring in case I hurt someone’s feelings, no worrying about who’s reading it because there are only a select few of you and oh my gawd, I’m so grateful for you rare gems.

So I’m having a walk down memory lane … so much easier with YouTube and the like, remember this one?

I know Teddy’s all lovelorn and stuff but honestly this is how I feel about looking for a job right here.

Bet you don’t even know Millie Jackson – well now you do! Let’s see if I can break down the lyrics here for you after you get through the fart monologue which in and of itself is epic …

Here I am baby,
I’m waiting baby,
I’m here in the Lover’s Hotel,
I’m waiting baby
Watching the neon sign,
I’m waiting baby,
The L just went out the neon sign baby
Now I’m reading a sign that says over’s Hotel
But I’m still waiting baby
Now the S just went out baby,
It’s over Hotel
But I’m waiting baby,
I know you not gonna believe this baby but the tel just went out the Hotel
Are you turning out the lights baby?
Are you trying to tell me something baby?
‘cause I’m laying here waiting for you baby and now the light is flashing on and off
over ho, over ho, over ho
Are you trying to tell me it’s over ho?
I’m still waiting baby.
Got on my negligee, I bought it at Sears, Mr. Robart was still there when I bought it baby,
I’m still waiting baby,
I also bought you some shorts baby but I think the fruits have died on the loom,
And these grapes became California raisins
I’m still waiting baby,
Ahhh you made it baby,
I’ve been waiting baby
But since I’ve been waiting so long baby could you just wait five more minutes,
‘cause I’ve been thinking baby and I want to discuss something with you.

And then it breaks into “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and if you don’t know that song or it’s lyrics, hello YouTube, etc. get an edge-um-a-cation and shit.

Anyway, I am posting this rambling diatribe so I can feel like I dipped my toe in the water and work my way back to reality. PEACE! and I’m out *drops the mic.

Earwig

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Wikipedia: “It is a common myth that earwigs crawl into the human ear and lay eggs in the brain.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtLqvEYLiRc (hot images, phew!)

Dispelling the myth of habitual perpetuity

Good habits, bad habits

habit

A rather poignant and timely topic for me. Habits keep us chained or unleash us depending on their effect on our day-to-day living. I have as many good as I do bad and I’m always trying to improve on both. My worst habit I think is no follow-through, that and my ability to disconnect from what is actually going on. My brain operates very differently to most I suspect. I have this propensity to envision things in my own varied hue rather than see them in the stark reality of daylight. This has caused a lot of stress and strife in my life. You know the saying “rose coloured glasses”, well mine are more like Groove coloured glasses, my own unique and often fatally flawed perception. It’s hard to sit up and take note of this knowing that it’s something hard-wired. There is no twelve-step program for people who live in a state of delusion on some planes while being a “functioning” member of society. Hi my names Groove and … yeah, no. If I were completely broken I’d be in a padded room but like most, I skate by, coasting in neutral while dreaming of soaring.

So many of us are crippled by fear, all this time I thought I was fearless and now I’m just starting to understand that I am imprisoned by fear. Self-realization is a harsh mistress. It lays you bare and leaves you exposed, vulnerable and encompasses everything that you have been running from in the first place. You must lay yourself open to criticism, failure, ugliness and a myriad of other debilitating factors that will likely leave you writhing on the floor. But there is hope. Hope in good habits, in reworking your flaws and spinning them into attributes, making yourself better little by little so that, at the very least you feel you are building a foundation of stability, a semblance of order and this helps dispel the feelings of futility and exile that leave so many feeling isolated and misunderstood. So every day I must force myself to get up, look in the mirror and declare that “I love you, warts and all” because the cliché is oh so true, if you don’t love yourself how the fuck should anyone else?

I am a creature of habit, its sometimes disarming but I’m okay with that.

Imagine all the People Living in Harmony …

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You may say I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.

Okay, after a few hours of thought on today’s topic I’ve decided I’m going to buck the trend here and forgo the whole ‘imagine someone else’s life’ because quite frankly I imagine most people’s lives to be utterly boring from an onlooker’s perspective. So you’re rich and drive a Maserati, I don’t care and I doubt there’s many people sitting around imagining your life. Ditto on the other end of the scale as well, the poor or disenfranchised and don’t even get me started on the total oblivion regarding the fringe members of our society drug addicts, mentally ill, elderly, infirm … we don’t even take care of them, we are taught to ignore so asking someone to imagine their lives is, well, quite frankly unimaginable and really stretching the boundaries of imagination beyond the scale for a daily ramble. So with all this reality going on what I like to daydream about is my imaginary life thank you very much.

I have a bed and breakfast in Kelowna, it’s half BDSM oriented, half hippy love shack.

I have my own goats, chickens and various other critters around the farm as well as vegetable garden so I have lots of organic on-site food that I prepare for the guests. Food is prepared as requested, with or without dietary restrictions but the only direct organic meat available would be the chickens. I provide goats milk, butter, cheese, eggs from my critters. The rest would have to be ordered in and the cost would be done on a case-by-case basis, if it was outside the set menu which would not include any four legged animals simply because I don’t eat them myself. We are vegan friendly but as with the entire theme of this land, no judgment and if you come here you are expected to be respectful of people’s choices regardless of whether they conflict with your own or not.

There is a main house, and two cabin areas. The main house is separated by a man-made pond complete with Koi fish (for display purposes only) and a pretty little walking bridge covered in flowers. There are lilies in the pond along with other pond vegetation. The driveway to the cabins and the main house are completely different driveways coming off different roads. This makes it easier for deliveries and repairs as well as less traffic in the guest areas. Tranquility is encouraged for the most part but a little ruckus here and there is not discouraged. This is an adult only facility. My friends sometimes come to visit with their kids but they know the skinny. This is not a PG setting.

The guests come to the main house for meals, they can either eat in or take-away but we do not deliver to the cabins during the summer months. There is a huge staff compliment during the high season and a lot of the staff live on the land during this time. If the guests are here off season, different arrangements can be made. There are also rooms available in the main house for people to stay in. The house is huge and divided into my residence and the B&B proper. My residence has several rooms in it that I sublet to staff members during the summer months. I love being surrounded by people even though we are in a remote area. And hey, if they suck, I fire them. Good deal.

During the peak months there is a communal evening bonfire that would encourage the hippies and the BDSMers to interact and who knows, maybe cross over to the other side. The idea is to create a safe, loving space free of judgment and restriction for people to flow freely with each other and learn more about each other’s lives and living in a non-judging, unrestricted environment.

There are a few festivals during the high season too where I would allow people to camp on the grounds as well and bring in d.j.’s, bands, theme camps, etc … well you know how a festival goes I’m sure. Again, I’d integrate it so there’d be yoga, morning chants, holistic tents, seminars on BDSM, dungeon play areas … etc. Sharing and caring, as long as you’re happy and as long as nobody’s being hurt (without consent) is Groove Manor’s motto.

There is also a third area of cabins a little offset from the main property and hippy/BDSM cabins. These are more remote and available strictly for renting, self-contained and the people staying there would provide their own linens, cook their own food, etc. This encourages more long-term guests, maybe even semi-permanent residents on the land, which is massive of course.

All of the cabins have some kind of heating so that winter visits could also be encouraged. Fireplaces in the main cabins and the remote cabins would have both a wood burning stove/fireplace and electric heating available.

And since I’m dreaming, there’s also a man-made lake on the property that is somehow fed by a stream from a nearby water source so it is safe for both swimming and bathing. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.

Fuck off you Whiny Bitches

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A song to cheer you up!

Although this is much more on point, thanks Randy!

It should not be called human nature, it should be called inhumane nature. People do not habitually do what’s natural, right or positive. In fact for the most part to be inclined to do what is directly juxtaposed to that. I know so many people who appear to thrive on wallowing in self-pity and despair and only comfortable when they are in the midst of anguish. It’s like they’re scared to be happy. It’s really starting to bug the shit out of me.

You want to know how to be happy? Simple, eat well, exercise, get proper rest and think positive – that’s it, that’s all it takes. I am so sick of people telling me they are depressed all of the time and not doing sweet fuck all to change it. I know these people are smart, intelligent, capable people and yet when it comes to happiness they act like buffoons. Oh no I’d rather lie around sighing and complaining all day than get up and go for a jog and actually make myself feel better. You know why? It’s because it takes a little bit of initial effort and very few people know what that actually is anymore.

I got up this morning and I felt like two bags of cat crap (with litter attached) and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was bounce around on my trampoline for 25 minutes, never mind crawling back into bed, I wanted to crawl under the bed and hide from the world. But I did it, I got on the trampoline and bounced (and probably sighed) and you know what, about 10 minutes in I started to feel better and by the time I hit 20 minutes I was really glad I had forced myself to do it. Wow, what a difference!

I know it’s January, the weather blows, you’re broke from Christmas and it’s just a really bad time of year for most of is but really?! If you’re going to be that bummed out can you at least throw an honest to goodness pity party complete with booze and a d.j. so we don’t end up hating your guts altogether?

On Facebook I see the same complaints from the same people time and again. Hey Einstein ever hear the phrase if you keep repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting it to turn out different it’s a sign of insanity – actually goober it’s not ‘a sign of’ you are a nutbar, either change your life or deal with the fact that you like running over the same old ground again and again and stop boring us with your repetitive and depressing status updates and general melancholy. Okay, yes we all get bummed once in awhile and hopefully you can put that up and have your friends help you through it but the key here is occasionally people. Want to know why you’re getting deleted all the time, that’s why. Stop being such a complete and utter bummer.

As to other people who do not adhere to the Facebook depression but just like to pretend they’re happy and wonderful on Facebook while heaping their despair on you in a personal fashion, what the fuck? Is it really going to have to be my responsibility after you’ve sucked the life out of me to turn around and tell you to fuck off because you don’t have a backbone to at least show me that small modicum of respect and fuck the hell off without my saying so? Jeebus but I’m sick of weak, feeble people being so fucking lame all the time and then acting like it dropped out of the sky and they’re so hard done by. Grow a fucking spine already, show some fucking self-respect then maybe other people will treat you that way. And as to your depression – shut the fuck up, I don’t want to hear it. You know what, even better, plaster a fucking smile on your face and fake it till you make it, much better for everyone. And trust me, know one will notice that you’re faking it – we’re all way too self-absorbed for that.

And if you want to get rid of some angst, crank this shit and scream and dance around your living room!

Sorry, editing one more time (this is what happens when you post impulsively) however, if you write a blog, Kristen’s post is right on point with what I’m yammering on about here. Albeit a little less foul-mouthed than mine, also if you want great advice, she has heaps and done in a humorous and off-beat way that I find most refreshing!

http://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/author/warriorwriters/

Dance This Mess Around

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She comes all twisted and undone walking through the door like there’s no tomorrow. She’s all confusing bound up in confidence but looking spent and she drifts by you without you noticing per se but you feel it, like a soft gust of wind, gentle on your face, which gives you pause but only for a moment and then – she’s omniscient writhing on the dance floor, a force to be reckoned with as she moves with abandon, like no one you’ve ever seen. Lost in delight, writhing to the rhythm, you envy her comfort and overt display without knowing that she is trying to dance the pain away. The booze, the drugs, the rampant sex – short answers to a long torment that begins and ends with her – but a total conundrum because in order to be truly happy she has to love herself above everyone else and everyone she has ever loved, for the most part, has been flawed – not just natural human blips – flawed to the point that they are incapable of loving her the way she so wantonly desires. And so the circle perpetuates, the cycle continues and the dance floor, thankfully, always waits for her and never lets her down.

And p.s. what she said …

http://www.stacksandstacks.com/blog/2007/10/15/dance-this-mess-around-music-to-clean-by/

Actually, it’s dancing and cleaning that help me feel like I have a semblance of control amid the strife and chaos that is the life of someone trying to survive in a city of 3 million plus without succumbing to the notion that I am no one. It’s so easy to feel insignificant in a place like this. It’s so easy to be discarded in a time when people have the attention spans of fleas and are always looking for the next high, the next stimulation, more money, more stuff …. nothing that really has to do with our essence, who we are – what defines our soul.

I want to learn again how to languish in my solitude – what it means to be contemplative. I yearn to be somewhere much more isolated so that my energy is its own and does not resonate with so many so close by that it becomes a task to distinguish self and what those desires are. I miss me

I find it very unfortunate that I cannot put songs to go with the various thoughts that I am describing here, somehow it seems lacking. Everyone should have a theme song, a mantra and a goal. But most of all everyone should feel the need and desire to be happy.

By the way my mantra song is Spitfire by Prodigy “’cause you know that I can!”