Category Archives: Girlie Groove’s Rants

Verbal regurgitation of that which peeves me.

For Fuck Sakes – Give me a job!

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All of the nothing that I have become brings me to this place of resignation,
Such peaks and valleys as I sit, still … no movement you’d think I was in a state of stasis and yet and yet, my mind is in such a flurry.

I feel myself breaking apart, slowly wilting – it’s like spring and winter melded into one and it’s become a constant struggle for survival and I feel like it’s just out of reach, right there but I just can’t jump quite high enough and so I wither and fade.

It’s not in an obvious way, little pieces of me disappear into the abyss and I find it harder and harder to be present. I mean why? What difference does it make? Who the fuck am I? Is any one individual really relevant? If they were obliterated from the course of history how different would the world really be? But even more to the point how the fuck do I pay my rent?
It’s a little harder to find reason with that reality slapping you in the face.

Okay so the last year plus has been one of the most monumental struggles of my life, I haven’t worked and now I’m unemployed AND out of unemployment. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve worked basically since I was 14 years old and I have NEVER been unemployed for this long. It’s rough out there boy!

In the meantime, I stopped paying for my WordPress site hoping I could generate some advertising and some traffic to my site, what ended up happening was that since it expired in (November?) until now I didn’t even know if it was up and running never mind the other stuff. I’ve just looked at how creative I was getting and how awesome it was and … it’s like well to be cliché I’m just a shadow of my former self.

The advantage of this place is I can really be me, no censoring in case I hurt someone’s feelings, no worrying about who’s reading it because there are only a select few of you and oh my gawd, I’m so grateful for you rare gems.

So I’m having a walk down memory lane … so much easier with YouTube and the like, remember this one?

I know Teddy’s all lovelorn and stuff but honestly this is how I feel about looking for a job right here.

Bet you don’t even know Millie Jackson – well now you do! Let’s see if I can break down the lyrics here for you after you get through the fart monologue which in and of itself is epic …

Here I am baby,
I’m waiting baby,
I’m here in the Lover’s Hotel,
I’m waiting baby
Watching the neon sign,
I’m waiting baby,
The L just went out the neon sign baby
Now I’m reading a sign that says over’s Hotel
But I’m still waiting baby
Now the S just went out baby,
It’s over Hotel
But I’m waiting baby,
I know you not gonna believe this baby but the tel just went out the Hotel
Are you turning out the lights baby?
Are you trying to tell me something baby?
‘cause I’m laying here waiting for you baby and now the light is flashing on and off
over ho, over ho, over ho
Are you trying to tell me it’s over ho?
I’m still waiting baby.
Got on my negligee, I bought it at Sears, Mr. Robart was still there when I bought it baby,
I’m still waiting baby,
I also bought you some shorts baby but I think the fruits have died on the loom,
And these grapes became California raisins
I’m still waiting baby,
Ahhh you made it baby,
I’ve been waiting baby
But since I’ve been waiting so long baby could you just wait five more minutes,
‘cause I’ve been thinking baby and I want to discuss something with you.

And then it breaks into “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and if you don’t know that song or it’s lyrics, hello YouTube, etc. get an edge-um-a-cation and shit.

Anyway, I am posting this rambling diatribe so I can feel like I dipped my toe in the water and work my way back to reality. PEACE! and I’m out *drops the mic.

I’ve lost my Mojo and I Don’t Know Where to Find it … please stand by

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As soon as I lost my job, I lost all desire to write or be creative (note last WordPress entry date). It’s like losing my job took away a huge part of me. I’ve started to go back to the gym, quit drinking and gone on anti-depressants and yet it seems the tiniest thing makes me cry and well basically I’m a wreck. I thought I would be okay, I thought I would at least get some bites in the fish pond. To date I have had one interview (turned down by them) and one phone call (salary too low, now wondering if I should have just sucked it up and taken it).

I did get a severance package and I am eligible for EI but that does nothing for your sense of well-being when you’ve pretty much worked full-time since you were 14. I collected student welfare once for three months in my youth, that’s about it. I’ve never collected EI. Which brings me to another point, why did they change it from Unemployment Insurance to Employment Insurance? Fact is, we’re unemployed when collecting it, did they think it would have a better ring to it? I think it’s now a misnomer. Why do government agencies think beautifying the terms will change anything. That guy is not wheel-chair bound, he’s crippled, any way you cut it, visually impaired – blind, why did mental retardation become a derogatory term, does it not denote exactly what it is, a retardation in development? Why are people so fucking hung up on labels and criticising each other that they are more concerned about terminology than important things like the thousands of Africans being killed? Anybody read up on genocide regularly?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. How about South Sudan, anyone following what’s going on over there?

And another 200 dead trying to flee the war when their boat sinks.

Still hundreds more killed. But hey, let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on cyber bullying and the one or two kids (who probably had other psychological issues beyond the bullying) that committed suicide over this issue and make THAT a huge platform of importance in this country. What the fuck?!

So you see, I feel like a total dweeb for saying, oh poor me, I lost my job and because of that am finding it difficult to write. However, there you have it. If you’re feeling kind of shitty, be thankful that you don’t live in South Sudan at the moment. Have any of us really known, starvation, poverty, war? Maybe the few gracious souls who have fought in combat overseas, that’s about it. We are so fucking entitled and self-absorbed it’s not funny and because of that I feel like a total hypocrite wining about my ‘oh poor me, I lost my job and am feeling uninspired’. Unfortunately, South Sudan and all the other conflicts do not diminish these feelings … sigh, hella lame.

She Sees the World Through Rose Coloured Glasses …

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Sad but True

I don’t know if it’s really the saddest or harshest criticism anymore because I am well aware of the fact that I talk too much, however at this point it’s something I’ve accepted in myself and I’ve realized that I hate when people don’t talk enough so … One of my biggest beefs in a lot of my relationship is that my partner wasn’t being forth coming with their feelings and then resenting me because I didn’t know how they were feeling. Really?! What are you a girl? Sorry but that is so the stereotypical girl statement of ‘you should know how I’m feeling’ what do I look like Kreskin?!

What I don’t like is that I don’t know how to listen properly. It is only in the last few years that I have started to realize how skewed my perspective is and how much I mould things round to the way I wanted them to sound versus what was actually said. It’s an extreme form of lying to oneself that I’m really not sure how to combat. I mean if you think you heard x, y, z how can you go back and hear it properly? It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for the last few months because I’m trying to decipher where my lies end and the other person’s begins OR am I totally misconstruing nearly everything I hear and switching it in my head to suit my views? I have honestly thought about installing a close-circuit camera and monitoring our conversations so I can see just how bad my misperception of situations are (also, maybe so the other party in the situation can see that sometimes they make these same mistakes too, but that is a whole different conversation and we’re not here to talk about them), this is the Danielle show.

Kind of funny too because I’ve had the flu for the past few days and today I woke up with laryngitis. Man the irony in my life is just endless.

rose coloured glasses

Yay you!

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Kudos!

So the prompt said, “Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.”

Umm yeah, about that, first of all if I wrote thinking about what everybody else wanted to see, hear, read, I’d never write a damn thing in the first place and second of all, nothing in life is guaranteed this we all know. People read stuff because they want to, something draws them, they find it interesting not because they’re your friend. (At least I hope you’re not reading this just because you’re my friend and that you’re at least getting some kind of enjoyment out of my meanderings here and there.) Gawd, could you imagine having to read stuff just because you liked someone? Wow, would we ever have to read a lot of shit every day to keep everyone happy. And about that, art is not necessarily there to make you happy, sometimes people create things that are controversial for the sake of that. They say the worst thing you can do is make something that compels complacency. I always appreciated art that made me angry or upset me even if I proclaimed I didn’t like it, I did get that in its raw way it evoked such a passionate response that I could not deny the intensity of the piece regardless of how much I hated it. Hate is a strong emotion, meh is not.

a huge thank you

I have however found that writing in this blog and it not just for myself has been tremendously rewarding in terms of people actually reading what I’m writing. Honestly guys I’m blushing and overwhelmed and so very thankful for all my friends old and new that have told me that they are reading and OMFG, enjoying my blog *swoons over keyboard a little and has to fan herself. I am soooo honoured you have no idea! So I guess what I’d want you to read most of all is a huge fucking thank you for all your support, comments and appreciation. I cannot even begin to relay in mere words what it has done for me. Oh fuck look what I did there, I done went and wrote a blog where I blew smoke up your proverbial butts anyway, you’re welcome!

Tripping

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So What

It is a deep cavern filled with rage,
A blank canvas of cacophony that sets the teeth ajar
This wide open space is claustrophobic
and being fenced in leaves me barren and forlorn walking this wasteland of despair.

Sometimes the sunshine forces its way through and causes my eyes to tear
I just wanted to understand, make it work
I tried to control and found I could not
People are not machinery they are as consistent as the weather forecast
I understand why people choose solitude but I just can’t.

Life, love, laughter even when feeling so desolate are all I live for.
Yeah, it feels rotten right now but this too shall pass
Heartache is just the fizzle end of a new beginning