Category Archives: Girlie Groove’s Rants

Verbal regurgitation of that which peeves me.

I’ve lost my Mojo and I Don’t Know Where to Find it … please stand by


As soon as I lost my job, I lost all desire to write or be creative (note last WordPress entry date). It’s like losing my job took away a huge part of me. I’ve started to go back to the gym, quit drinking and gone on anti-depressants and yet it seems the tiniest thing makes me cry and well basically I’m a wreck. I thought I would be okay, I thought I would at least get some bites in the fish pond. To date I have had one interview (turned down by them) and one phone call (salary too low, now wondering if I should have just sucked it up and taken it).

I did get a severance package and I am eligible for EI but that does nothing for your sense of well-being when you’ve pretty much worked full-time since you were 14. I collected student welfare once for three months in my youth, that’s about it. I’ve never collected EI. Which brings me to another point, why did they change it from Unemployment Insurance to Employment Insurance? Fact is, we’re unemployed when collecting it, did they think it would have a better ring to it? I think it’s now a misnomer. Why do government agencies think beautifying the terms will change anything. That guy is not wheel-chair bound, he’s crippled, any way you cut it, visually impaired – blind, why did mental retardation become a derogatory term, does it not denote exactly what it is, a retardation in development? Why are people so fucking hung up on labels and criticising each other that they are more concerned about terminology than important things like the thousands of Africans being killed? Anybody read up on genocide regularly?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. How about South Sudan, anyone following what’s going on over there?

And another 200 dead trying to flee the war when their boat sinks.

Still hundreds more killed. But hey, let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on cyber bullying and the one or two kids (who probably had other psychological issues beyond the bullying) that committed suicide over this issue and make THAT a huge platform of importance in this country. What the fuck?!

So you see, I feel like a total dweeb for saying, oh poor me, I lost my job and because of that am finding it difficult to write. However, there you have it. If you’re feeling kind of shitty, be thankful that you don’t live in South Sudan at the moment. Have any of us really known, starvation, poverty, war? Maybe the few gracious souls who have fought in combat overseas, that’s about it. We are so fucking entitled and self-absorbed it’s not funny and because of that I feel like a total hypocrite wining about my ‘oh poor me, I lost my job and am feeling uninspired’. Unfortunately, South Sudan and all the other conflicts do not diminish these feelings … sigh, hella lame.

She Sees the World Through Rose Coloured Glasses …


Sad but True

I don’t know if it’s really the saddest or harshest criticism anymore because I am well aware of the fact that I talk too much, however at this point it’s something I’ve accepted in myself and I’ve realized that I hate when people don’t talk enough so … One of my biggest beefs in a lot of my relationship is that my partner wasn’t being forth coming with their feelings and then resenting me because I didn’t know how they were feeling. Really?! What are you a girl? Sorry but that is so the stereotypical girl statement of ‘you should know how I’m feeling’ what do I look like Kreskin?!

What I don’t like is that I don’t know how to listen properly. It is only in the last few years that I have started to realize how skewed my perspective is and how much I mould things round to the way I wanted them to sound versus what was actually said. It’s an extreme form of lying to oneself that I’m really not sure how to combat. I mean if you think you heard x, y, z how can you go back and hear it properly? It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for the last few months because I’m trying to decipher where my lies end and the other person’s begins OR am I totally misconstruing nearly everything I hear and switching it in my head to suit my views? I have honestly thought about installing a close-circuit camera and monitoring our conversations so I can see just how bad my misperception of situations are (also, maybe so the other party in the situation can see that sometimes they make these same mistakes too, but that is a whole different conversation and we’re not here to talk about them), this is the Danielle show.

Kind of funny too because I’ve had the flu for the past few days and today I woke up with laryngitis. Man the irony in my life is just endless.

rose coloured glasses

Yay you!


Kudos!

So the prompt said, “Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.”

Umm yeah, about that, first of all if I wrote thinking about what everybody else wanted to see, hear, read, I’d never write a damn thing in the first place and second of all, nothing in life is guaranteed this we all know. People read stuff because they want to, something draws them, they find it interesting not because they’re your friend. (At least I hope you’re not reading this just because you’re my friend and that you’re at least getting some kind of enjoyment out of my meanderings here and there.) Gawd, could you imagine having to read stuff just because you liked someone? Wow, would we ever have to read a lot of shit every day to keep everyone happy. And about that, art is not necessarily there to make you happy, sometimes people create things that are controversial for the sake of that. They say the worst thing you can do is make something that compels complacency. I always appreciated art that made me angry or upset me even if I proclaimed I didn’t like it, I did get that in its raw way it evoked such a passionate response that I could not deny the intensity of the piece regardless of how much I hated it. Hate is a strong emotion, meh is not.

a huge thank you

I have however found that writing in this blog and it not just for myself has been tremendously rewarding in terms of people actually reading what I’m writing. Honestly guys I’m blushing and overwhelmed and so very thankful for all my friends old and new that have told me that they are reading and OMFG, enjoying my blog *swoons over keyboard a little and has to fan herself. I am soooo honoured you have no idea! So I guess what I’d want you to read most of all is a huge fucking thank you for all your support, comments and appreciation. I cannot even begin to relay in mere words what it has done for me. Oh fuck look what I did there, I done went and wrote a blog where I blew smoke up your proverbial butts anyway, you’re welcome!

Tripping


So What

It is a deep cavern filled with rage,
A blank canvas of cacophony that sets the teeth ajar
This wide open space is claustrophobic
and being fenced in leaves me barren and forlorn walking this wasteland of despair.

Sometimes the sunshine forces its way through and causes my eyes to tear
I just wanted to understand, make it work
I tried to control and found I could not
People are not machinery they are as consistent as the weather forecast
I understand why people choose solitude but I just can’t.

Life, love, laughter even when feeling so desolate are all I live for.
Yeah, it feels rotten right now but this too shall pass
Heartache is just the fizzle end of a new beginning

Suddenly


No, I don’t think so.

tears

This daily prompt said “when everything was going wrong and suddenly you knew it would be alright”, the person who wrote this has obviously never had their whole world fall apart because even if you do have a moment of clarity or certain epiphanies along the way, nothing about tragedy is “suddenly” fixed. It usually takes days of depression and buckets of tears, heartache of any kind from any number of things is painful.

For me the most painful loss is of a partner and ironically I’m in the process of losing one at the moment so this pain is very pungent and clear to me at the present time. In fact, the only reason I’m writing this right now and not blubbering away is because I’m at work so I have to pretend to have it together as that massive pain in the middle of my chest, that I haven’t felt for so long I almost believed it wouldn’t happen again, seems to rip open a hole even bigger than the last time. This too I thought impossible, wrong again.

lonely

As to it “suddenly” being alright, see above. No, even if this does somehow work itself out (which it always does, one way or the other, even if the initial result is not what you were hoping for), there is definitely no suddenly about it. When I read that prompt it actually made me angry, it’s like everyone’s delusion with romantic love and this idea of “falling deeply in love”. That’s not how love should be, love should be something comfortable and almost natural feeling. It shouldn’t be all head over heels and crazy, it shouldn’t be something that you have to struggle to make work or right. Sure, in every relationship there are pitfalls and hardship as well as moments of exultation and adoration but the good ones have a certain kind of gentle ebb and flow that make them last throughout the years with (at least it seems to me as I have yet to have had such a thing) little turmoil or heated disagreement.

Right, time to go home, now I can retreat and quietly fall apart for awhile.