I am watching a fabulous performance piece called Every Brilliant Thing that focuses on suicide and first of all, it’s wonderful!
I am also sitting here on my back step listening the rumble of the thunder and wondering if we might finally get the rain that they’ve been threatening us with all week … but I highly doubt it.
My emotions were incredibly tumultuous throughout my lifetime and although I am not one anymore, I identify with people who have suicidal ideation as I had it throughout most of my lifetime. And no, it’s not completely gone but when it rears it’s ugly head I treat it as ridiculous or indulge in some cathartic behaviour that quashes it.
So I thought it might be helpful to someone to learn what I did to gain control of that fire and cull it to a soft burn instead of a fire that devastates everything in it’s past. I learned how to turn off the screaming in my head and listen to the quiet.
It really is that easy. Now mind you it takes YEARS of practice to get it so you can control and actually do it. It’s like turning down the volume on the radio. Although you’ll never be able to completely turn it off. And if you accept that and you accept that, like any discipline, it will take time and lots and lots of practice, you’re on your way.
I don’t know where this urge comes from, I suspect it’s partially genetic, like my OCD and ADHD, partially inherited – my Dad killed himself, but mostly I think it’s that people of this predisposition are too, too intense, feel too much, evoke to much, withhold too much, just are altogether too much.
This also makes it hard for others to be around you. So get used to be alone a lot now, it will serve you well in the future. What will also take a lot of effort and discipline is learning to love yourself properly when you are full of self-loathing. I master this most days. Some days are a right-off but I muddle through and know that if I come out the other side, tomorrow’s another day, I can start again and maybe this time I’ll feel a bit better.
know this, as much as you are able to love yourself, if you are a suicidal person there will always be that voice trying to rear its ugly head and the only way to deal with it is to squash it down. Yell at it if you have to, just don’t let it win.