Monthly Archives: August 2021

How to Listen to the Quiet

I am watching a fabulous performance piece called Every Brilliant Thing that focuses on suicide and first of all, it’s wonderful!
I am also sitting here on my back step listening the rumble of the thunder and wondering if we might finally get the rain that they’ve been threatening us with all week … but I highly doubt it.
My emotions were incredibly tumultuous throughout my lifetime and although I am not one anymore, I identify with people who have suicidal ideation as I had it throughout most of my lifetime. And no, it’s not completely gone but when it rears it’s ugly head I treat it as ridiculous or indulge in some cathartic behaviour that quashes it.
So I thought it might be helpful to someone to learn what I did to gain control of that fire and cull it to a soft burn instead of a fire that devastates everything in it’s past. I learned how to turn off the screaming in my head and listen to the quiet.
It really is that easy. Now mind you it takes YEARS of practice to get it so you can control and actually do it. It’s like turning down the volume on the radio. Although you’ll never be able to completely turn it off. And if you accept that and you accept that, like any discipline, it will take time and lots and lots of practice, you’re on your way.
I don’t know where this urge comes from, I suspect it’s partially genetic, like my OCD and ADHD, partially inherited – my Dad killed himself, but mostly I think it’s that people of this predisposition are too, too intense, feel too much, evoke to much, withhold too much, just are altogether too much.
This also makes it hard for others to be around you. So get used to be alone a lot now, it will serve you well in the future. What will also take a lot of effort and discipline is learning to love yourself properly when you are full of self-loathing. I master this most days. Some days are a right-off but I muddle through and know that if I come out the other side, tomorrow’s another day, I can start again and maybe this time I’ll feel a bit better.
know this, as much as you are able to love yourself, if you are a suicidal person there will always be that voice trying to rear its ugly head and the only way to deal with it is to squash it down. Yell at it if you have to, just don’t let it win.

A Good Rant

So I got laid-off/let go AGAIN in June. Every two years for the almost the past decade – it’s getting a bit tedious to be honest. It’s too bad I couldn’t just semi-retire … ah to have money, but I can’t. Probably have to work on and off well into my seventies. And then I’m thinking about all these people on “disability” who have basically fucked the dog their entire life, like that piece of shit, waste of space neighbour that lives to my left and the fact that my taxes have essentially paid for that and you know, it makes me really fucking angry.

I don’t know why Canada keeps pretending like they’re European and caring for their people and concerned about healthcare, etc. when really all they want to do is be like the United States. It makes me sad.

I’m currently reading The Year of Living Danishly and granted it’s a very one-sided view of Denmark from someone who has a lot of money available to them and has never slummed it in her life but it also makes me sad for what Canada could be if it wasn’t so concerned with wealth and greed and trying so hard to be something it’s not. I wish I could leave but honestly, where would I go, what would I do and I know from people around the world that I have a really good setup where I am, even if I’m surrounded by succubus’s that just feed off others and have no purpose in life.

If you think this sounds harsh, please understand this. My piece of shit neighbour has destroyed not one but two units in this complex from not cleaning and allowing her animals to defecate and piss all over the unit. The Co-op, allegedly run by us, has done NOTHING in over 40 years to remediate or deal with this situation because you know “mental health” and all that alleged leftist, now we have no recourse, bullshit.

The last unit cost the co-op $40,000 to remediate (non of which was paid by either her or her mother because they are both sucking on the teat of the system) and the people living in that house now say the basement still (seven years later) smells like piss because it permeated the concrete. While she was living there, her unit had a small fire (due to her negligence), while they repaired it, they rehomed her in the building!

Now this stinky, piece of shit waste of a human being lives next door to me and guess who gets to smell this fucking stench in their unit because of it – me! If you know me, you know my place is spotless, well maintained and my sanctuary. I have a beautiful patio in the summer, a cozy, clean home in the winter and I love spending time here. But as I was saying …

Here’s the best part and a prime example of zero fucks given from this person. Her and I used to hang out (I thought we were friends but that was never the case, I will not bore you with the details of the extent of the malicious commentary she was making about me behind my back but I’m sure you can get the picture). When she was looking to “down-size” (she had fucking been living in a three-bedroom townhouse by herself for over a decade and the co-op I live in was afraid to do anything despite her being completely over housed because everyone’s afraid of her and her bully bullshit family) – who by the way are doing nothing except enabling this woman into a very early grave – she’s in her mid to late 40s now. If she makes it to 60 I’ll be surprised.


At the time we were hanging out and she said “oh hey, a unit beside you is open, I’m going to move in there, it’ll be great!” I begged, pleaded and harangued her to please not do this, I knew it would destroy our friendship, etc., etc. She didn’t fucking listen and moved in anyway. Like I said zero fucks given.

So now she has NO friends in this co-op, everyone hates her, including me – and seriously I thought I would never, ever hate anyone. I am a very forgiving and live and let live kind of person but dude, I fucking hate her with every fiber of my being and it’s not going away. It’s been over five years now.

I found her wallet on the ground a couple of weeks back and it was really hard for me to return it and not throw it in the garbage. I did return it, but I’m still kind of regretting that to be honest. Does that tell you how much I loathe and despise this person?!

About the malicious stuff behind my back, there was kind of a silver lining to that aspect of the story as well. I was still maintaining a friendship with her after she moved in and because of this, she was sometimes looking after my apartment when I went away (although I suspect she was doing little malicious things in my absence) but when I came back, my animals had always been well cared for and my place looked spotless so I was happy to have her do it.

So I came back one time from a weekend away and she had accidentally forgotten to close her Facebook. I read all the emails she had written to other people and what she was saying about me behind my back, none of it was nice. She referred to me as her “frenemy” and said horrible things about me. In retrospect I realized she did this with all of her so-called friends behind their back (with one exception). So I wonder if any of her other friends have clued into this fact.

It’s funny how clueless you can be sometimes but suffice to say, remember folks if they’re talking shit about everyone else then they’re talking shit about you behind your back as well.

And I rest my case about Canada sucking ass about caring for people.

Did Canadian Man With ALS Choose Assisted Suicide After Being Denied Adequate Care?

While it can’t be fully substantiated it still sucks balls.