Monthly Archives: March 2016

I have a dream … but that seems to be all it is

Another one that fell by the wayside … have a few moments, am going through what used to be my blog and it’s making me feel sadder than I already did. Gawd I hate this time of year. Anway … I’m a post this junk … still thinking about a book. I had a fabulous idea this morning and forgot to write it down, that is hella lame if you ask me.

So I’m at work today (yes, I finally got a fucking job after a year and half, it’s actually an awesome job too – however, not a lot of down time … so getting back to writing has been an uphill struggle to say the least) and we’re talking about dreams and how they keep you alive and after the usual litany of money, mansion, yacht etc. I come back to … writing a book and hey, writing and hey, when in the fuck is the last time I even blogged? (*good thing you can’t see flushing face of embarrassment right now …) will this cute bunny do instead?


What am I supposed to do?


I feel wretched, I mean that deep down, forlorn, ache in your chest that sucks the life out of you sad and to make it worse, I feel guilty that I feel sad because what the fuck right do I have to be sad about anything really? I have a job, a roof over my head, people that love me and still …

I feel broken, like beyond repair broken. You think that the next time your heart gets ripped to shreds maybe you’ll be more prepared for it, maybe this time you’ll deal with it with a sense of aplomb, not the hot, sniffling, blubbering mess you end up as. I mean come on, you’re past 50 now, you must have it down, right? No, you know what, I think it was worse still this time because I really thought, this time, it would be different and we would work things out and it wouldn’t have to end because I picked someone completely different from my usual intense, overbearing, totally over the top partner. Nope. Same shit, different pile. (Note to self: never EVER date an only child again.)

It’s interesting because I wrote this some time ago now and not much has changed. I really need to get my finger out of my ass and do something about this. I miss having a life. I started colouring and that seems to be therapeutic for me but I have been soooooooooo lazy due to my situation and that’s all on me. \More and more I feel like I should move away from Toronto but I know

More and more I feel like I should move away from Toronto but I know, from years of running away, that this is not a way to deal with my problems, so I have to fix things here before I can think about moving away.

P.S. I hate these winey McGuyver posts … that’s why I’m not linking it. If you’re reading this, I apologize.