Today I fell in love with WordPress all over again and realized how much I’ve missed blogging and having this place for myself. They’ve now introduced a help chat box that pops up when you log in – oh happy days! The problem with mapping my domain name properly fixed in one minute and five dollars with the help of the lovely Rachel. N00bs everywhere take note you don’t have to search around aimlessly to use WordPress properly anymore! For someone like me that just wants to write this is like Nirvana. Now I can write what I want when I want and hopefully make my blog better and more fun to read in the process. The whole looking at my blog again thing started via a Facebook GIF (okay I had to look that up to make sure I was using the terminology correctly, seems I am.)
And I looked at that and thought my passion has always been writing and yet in the last year, one of my most horrendous I have written nary a word, no wonder I feel like I’m dying inside.
A lot of people have asked me why I don’t try to write for a living, I always thought it would be impossible but now I’m starting to realize that the only thing that’s been hindering me is my lack of conviction. I see so many people writing and calling themselves writers and I think, I could do better than that. So what the hell is stopping me? My best guess would be fear. So I’m going to make this one short and sweet so that I can get on with the task at hand and start writing some stuff with some meat in it and hopefully along the way find my true voice and fall in love all over again with that which defines me.
All of the nothing that I have become brings me to this place of resignation,
Such peaks and valleys as I sit, still … no movement you’d think I was in a state of stasis and yet and yet, my mind is in such a flurry.
I feel myself breaking apart, slowly wilting – it’s like spring and winter melded into one and it’s become a constant struggle for survival and I feel like it’s just out of reach, right there but I just can’t jump quite high enough and so I wither and fade.
It’s not in an obvious way, little pieces of me disappear into the abyss and I find it harder and harder to be present. I mean why? What difference does it make? Who the fuck am I? Is any one individual really relevant? If they were obliterated from the course of history how different would the world really be? But even more to the point how the fuck do I pay my rent?
It’s a little harder to find reason with that reality slapping you in the face.
Okay so the last year plus has been one of the most monumental struggles of my life, I haven’t worked and now I’m unemployed AND out of unemployment. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve worked basically since I was 14 years old and I have NEVER been unemployed for this long. It’s rough out there boy!
In the meantime, I stopped paying for my WordPress site hoping I could generate some advertising and some traffic to my site, what ended up happening was that since it expired in (November?) until now I didn’t even know if it was up and running never mind the other stuff. I’ve just looked at how creative I was getting and how awesome it was and … it’s like well to be cliché I’m just a shadow of my former self.
The advantage of this place is I can really be me, no censoring in case I hurt someone’s feelings, no worrying about who’s reading it because there are only a select few of you and oh my gawd, I’m so grateful for you rare gems.
So I’m having a walk down memory lane … so much easier with YouTube and the like, remember this one?
I know Teddy’s all lovelorn and stuff but honestly this is how I feel about looking for a job right here.
Bet you don’t even know Millie Jackson – well now you do! Let’s see if I can break down the lyrics here for you after you get through the fart monologue which in and of itself is epic …
Here I am baby,
I’m waiting baby,
I’m here in the Lover’s Hotel,
I’m waiting baby
Watching the neon sign,
I’m waiting baby,
The L just went out the neon sign baby
Now I’m reading a sign that says over’s Hotel
But I’m still waiting baby
Now the S just went out baby,
It’s over Hotel
But I’m waiting baby,
I know you not gonna believe this baby but the tel just went out the Hotel
Are you turning out the lights baby?
Are you trying to tell me something baby?
‘cause I’m laying here waiting for you baby and now the light is flashing on and off
over ho, over ho, over ho
Are you trying to tell me it’s over ho?
I’m still waiting baby.
Got on my negligee, I bought it at Sears, Mr. Robart was still there when I bought it baby,
I’m still waiting baby,
I also bought you some shorts baby but I think the fruits have died on the loom,
And these grapes became California raisins
I’m still waiting baby,
Ahhh you made it baby,
I’ve been waiting baby
But since I’ve been waiting so long baby could you just wait five more minutes,
‘cause I’ve been thinking baby and I want to discuss something with you.
And then it breaks into “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and if you don’t know that song or it’s lyrics, hello YouTube, etc. get an edge-um-a-cation and shit.
Anyway, I am posting this rambling diatribe so I can feel like I dipped my toe in the water and work my way back to reality. PEACE! and I’m out *drops the mic.