I don’t know if it’s really the saddest or harshest criticism anymore because I am well aware of the fact that I talk too much, however at this point it’s something I’ve accepted in myself and I’ve realized that I hate when people don’t talk enough so … One of my biggest beefs in a lot of my relationship is that my partner wasn’t being forth coming with their feelings and then resenting me because I didn’t know how they were feeling. Really?! What are you a girl? Sorry but that is so the stereotypical girl statement of ‘you should know how I’m feeling’ what do I look like Kreskin?!
What I don’t like is that I don’t know how to listen properly. It is only in the last few years that I have started to realize how skewed my perspective is and how much I mould things round to the way I wanted them to sound versus what was actually said. It’s an extreme form of lying to oneself that I’m really not sure how to combat. I mean if you think you heard x, y, z how can you go back and hear it properly? It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for the last few months because I’m trying to decipher where my lies end and the other person’s begins OR am I totally misconstruing nearly everything I hear and switching it in my head to suit my views? I have honestly thought about installing a close-circuit camera and monitoring our conversations so I can see just how bad my misperception of situations are (also, maybe so the other party in the situation can see that sometimes they make these same mistakes too, but that is a whole different conversation and we’re not here to talk about them), this is the Danielle show.
Kind of funny too because I’ve had the flu for the past few days and today I woke up with laryngitis. Man the irony in my life is just endless.
So the prompt said, “Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.”
Umm yeah, about that, first of all if I wrote thinking about what everybody else wanted to see, hear, read, I’d never write a damn thing in the first place and second of all, nothing in life is guaranteed this we all know. People read stuff because they want to, something draws them, they find it interesting not because they’re your friend. (At least I hope you’re not reading this just because you’re my friend and that you’re at least getting some kind of enjoyment out of my meanderings here and there.) Gawd, could you imagine having to read stuff just because you liked someone? Wow, would we ever have to read a lot of shit every day to keep everyone happy. And about that, art is not necessarily there to make you happy, sometimes people create things that are controversial for the sake of that. They say the worst thing you can do is make something that compels complacency. I always appreciated art that made me angry or upset me even if I proclaimed I didn’t like it, I did get that in its raw way it evoked such a passionate response that I could not deny the intensity of the piece regardless of how much I hated it. Hate is a strong emotion, meh is not.
I have however found that writing in this blog and it not just for myself has been tremendously rewarding in terms of people actually reading what I’m writing. Honestly guys I’m blushing and overwhelmed and so very thankful for all my friends old and new that have told me that they are reading and OMFG, enjoying my blog *swoons over keyboard a little and has to fan herself. I am soooo honoured you have no idea! So I guess what I’d want you to read most of all is a huge fucking thank you for all your support, comments and appreciation. I cannot even begin to relay in mere words what it has done for me. Oh fuck look what I did there, I done went and wrote a blog where I blew smoke up your proverbial butts anyway, you’re welcome!
It is a deep cavern filled with rage,
A blank canvas of cacophony that sets the teeth ajar
This wide open space is claustrophobic
and being fenced in leaves me barren and forlorn walking this wasteland of despair.
Sometimes the sunshine forces its way through and causes my eyes to tear
I just wanted to understand, make it work
I tried to control and found I could not
People are not machinery they are as consistent as the weather forecast
I understand why people choose solitude but I just can’t.
Life, love, laughter even when feeling so desolate are all I live for.
Yeah, it feels rotten right now but this too shall pass
Heartache is just the fizzle end of a new beginning
This daily prompt said “when everything was going wrong and suddenly you knew it would be alright”, the person who wrote this has obviously never had their whole world fall apart because even if you do have a moment of clarity or certain epiphanies along the way, nothing about tragedy is “suddenly” fixed. It usually takes days of depression and buckets of tears, heartache of any kind from any number of things is painful.
For me the most painful loss is of a partner and ironically I’m in the process of losing one at the moment so this pain is very pungent and clear to me at the present time. In fact, the only reason I’m writing this right now and not blubbering away is because I’m at work so I have to pretend to have it together as that massive pain in the middle of my chest, that I haven’t felt for so long I almost believed it wouldn’t happen again, seems to rip open a hole even bigger than the last time. This too I thought impossible, wrong again.
As to it “suddenly” being alright, see above. No, even if this does somehow work itself out (which it always does, one way or the other, even if the initial result is not what you were hoping for), there is definitely no suddenly about it. When I read that prompt it actually made me angry, it’s like everyone’s delusion with romantic love and this idea of “falling deeply in love”. That’s not how love should be, love should be something comfortable and almost natural feeling. It shouldn’t be all head over heels and crazy, it shouldn’t be something that you have to struggle to make work or right. Sure, in every relationship there are pitfalls and hardship as well as moments of exultation and adoration but the good ones have a certain kind of gentle ebb and flow that make them last throughout the years with (at least it seems to me as I have yet to have had such a thing) little turmoil or heated disagreement.
Right, time to go home, now I can retreat and quietly fall apart for awhile.
Clothes, they’re everything and nothing. Personally my favourite outfit is naked but since that’s not the social norm I’d say my style is varied and clothes are very important to me. I like fetish wear, club wear, I have business attire for work and business casual, I have sweat pants and fleece for comfy stuff around the house and of course, I have silly clothes because what’s life without laughter and sometimes I like to wear ridiculous things just to fuck people up. In all honesty I don’t very often wear things that make me feel sexy … I’m not a big fan of my body at the moment. There are a few select dresses that make me feel purty but … I’m not winning any beauty contests in the near future. Plus I’m no spring chicken. Which is funny ‘cause I still like to dress like a five-year-old sometimes too. I own a lot of Mary Jane style shoes and because of my tummy I often wear empire waist dresses so … and lately I’ve been sporting a barrette because I was an idiot and cut my bangs too far back and now I need to grow a piece out so … yeah, I’m pretty much rocking the five look these days. Today I look sort of grown-up because I have a nice blouse on but I did wear flowery rubber boots and a shiny raincoat to work. Yep you sly dog, as you have already deduced, it’s raining today. But I guess what would best show you is some pictures so … here you go (A small excerpt from Crackbook photos)