I Did it My Way

Oh jeebus but that is a long list at this time of life but I also exist in this almost zen like state comparatively speaking because I’ve made my peace with the past and I don’t tend to dwell on it, except in terms of acknowledging how it has helped shaped who I have become. I like who I am for the most part and I wouldn’t have gotten to this state if it weren’t for all those falters and fumbles along the way. I also know that a lot of those “regrets” are what have made me so fierce and awesome.

Sure, I would have been a psychiatrist or maybe a psychologist, maybe have written a few books, had a beautiful piece of land somewhere … been living part of the year in Europe but now that’s just relegated to long-lost fantasies and occasional daydreams.

There are certain hopes and dreams that still prevail. I will write that elusive best-seller novel (still trying to figure out what the hell that is but …). I hope to still meet the one true love of my life and live happily ever after or, a man with oodles of money and love so that I don’t have to work and just spend my days writing, reading and learning how to write better, while listening to intoxicating music that inspires me.

I think the thing I regret above all else is being limited by fear. Being afraid to ask people what they are thinking or feeling for fear of being rebuffed and by so doing, not learning more about myself and being able to improve things. My relationships suffer great hardships because I cloak myself in defensive mechanisms that I know full well do me no favours. I’ve never really done anything with my writing, often paralyzed by fear. They say that more people are scared of success than failure and I suspect I am one of those people. But above all else, I fear that my not following through has made me mediocre and that would definitely be my biggest regret of all.