Monthly Archives: November 2012

On Death and Dying

Today my mother-in-law passed away after a long battle with cancer. I’ve never been very good at dealing with death, in fact I’m probably the worst at dealing with it when it comes to people. I’m very ‘meh, they’re dead, move on’. What I can’t stand is what it does to the living, I’ve seen grown men, men who I thought of as strong and stalwart collapse and fall apart at a funeral. I find it really unnerving, very matrix where my world has shifted and everyone has been shot into a state of misery.

This will be the first time I go to a funeral for someone that I actually cared about. When my step-father passed away a few years back I hopped on a plane to Vancouver to be with my junkie boyfriend instead. The boyfriend is a whole novel unto itself but the decision to turn tail worked very well for me. I didn’t want to deal with all those bereft people. As with funerals, I’m also fine when everyone else is in a state of panic, I get very orderly and proficient, almost cold. I think I would have made a good rescue worker (as long as there were no animals involved). For some reason people are … well just people to me and although I miss them when they are taken suddenly their death doesn’t cause me any severe anguish. Now the loss of my dog two years ago can still bring me to tears.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this reaction is two-fold, one it’s because animals have always given me so much more than people in general that I feel a deeper affection for them but worse, and I think this is a part of society today as a whole, we are inundated with violence and death by the constant onslaught of news stories, video games, movies that it becomes common place and an every day occurrence. So much so that we respond, ‘oh gee, that’s sad’ and then just turn around and pick up what we were doing as if a plant had died. Perhaps we are slightly more impacted if it is someone close to us, especially if they are taken suddenly and it is then we call into question our own existence. I mean really, what are we all here for?

Personally, I’m ecstatic that I’ve made it this far with 17,979 spins around the globe to date. Having said that I’m also big on quality of life. I hate this end-stage suffering that people have to endure nearing the end of an illness. We put down suffering animals for crissakes, why can’t people have the same option? Okay, I’ve got the DNR tattoo and everyone knows no extraordinary measures but what about the old Dr. Kavorkian plight and the right to euthanasia if I want? I think it’s friggin’ barbaric that in this day and age with all these provisions for people with needs that we can’t, as adults, have the right to take our life at some point with medical assistance without it being deemed illegal. WTF? Personally, if I came down with some terminal illness I would be hunting down the local heroin dealer faster than you could say ‘Bob’s your Uncle’ and stashing me a lethal dose for that fateful day when I knew I would have to make a choice before I couldn’t. I think it’s absolutely ludicrous that assisted suicide is a criminal offence, since when does anyone else have the right over my body? It’s right up there with reproductive rights if you ask me, my body, my decision.

As to the whole death thing. My dearest Maureen, it was a pleasure knowing you, I was very glad to have you in my life, albeit too briefly but I’m very glad that you are no longer suffering.
Fuck you cancer!

One is NOT the Loneliest Number and SAD doesn’t help either …

Trying to write this last week has just been brutal. I go into these funks and I just can’t seem to pull my finger out of my a** you know? But WordPress gave a daily prompt that harkened to me, at least on some level, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I was hoping it would give me some impetus and get the creative juices flowing.

I don’t know about you but I feel lonely all the time. I can be in a room full of people, or talking to my co-worker, or sitting on the couch with my partner and still feel incredibly lonely. I think loneliness is not necessarily just an emotion for some but a state of being, a type of depression. The moments I don’t feel lonely are like moments of laughter, fast and fleeting. And then sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all. I just stumble through my day-to-day routine happy that I made it to work and back and capable of little else. Just living seems to exhaust me. I have literally been trying to write something, anything for the past five days. I’ve started a few paragraphs that have trailed off into nothing and then I’ve spent hours on the internet doing mind-numbingly time wasters like surfing Kijiji or Crackbook. I’ve reworked a bit of my NaNo Wrimo stuff here and there but I can’t for the life of me seem to pin down anything of substance.

It also makes me understand why people isolate. I know this sounds ridiculous on paper but in your gut it makes perfect sense, when you’re alone, you don’t feel so lonely. One is not the loneliest number, two is. There’s nothing worse than being part of a couple and feeling completely isolated or better yet, talking to this other person and receiving no answer. But worse still, living with a roommate or in a situation where you are dreading coming home. It also makes me understand why depressed people tend to live alone and prefer it. It might be healthier to be around other people and socialize and interact but being alone … it’s just easier. At least when you’re alone you feel okay about being miserable and not burdening someone else with it or dealing with someone improperly and making the situation worse because you’re depressed. Sometimes I really wish I could just sew my mouth shut for a couple of days.

Right now I feel more lonely in my “relationship” than when I’m by myself. It’s literally the same kind of loneliness you feel when you haven’t been part of a couple for a long time and you’re longing for that connection, that same kind of empty ache that occurs. The friggin’ weather doesn’t help either. (Come on, I am Canadian, we can barely speak a sentence without incorporating the weather into it somehow.) I always go into a funk this time of year and become really jealous of the bears who totally have the right idea, stuff your face, crawl in a cave and don’t come out until spring, yes please! Not to mention how great would it be to lose weight just by sleeping … ah heaven. Yes, that’s the escapist in me talking. Even more depressing, those Philips SAD lights are $200 … but I’m definitely getting one, maybe it will help. (By the way, I’ve done some extensive reading on these lights and apparently these are the best ones. They’re also light weight, portable and look nice 🙂

I’ve been having such a hard time lately. I can’t seem to write anything (well other than this type of shite) but anything of substance seems to elude me. So I decided to just suck it up and post this crap regardless and let the chips fall where they may. And now I’m going to force myself to work on my book …ughhh!!!

I Wish I Were Able to Write All Day Everyday

WordPress Weekly Writing Challenge (these are really pretty cool!)

I love these weekly challenges, they keep me focused on maintaining my blog and stretching my writing muscles. Even amidst the craziness of the NaNo Wrimo I thought it would be great to just take a break and wax poetic which is exactly what this challenge allows me to do. Seriously guys, I wish I could just sit here and write all day every day. I am soooooooooooo envious of those who blog for a living although I don’t envy the flaming that goes on because people think they can hide behind anonymity, WTH?

I really don’t understand all this focus on negativity in general though. I mean think about it, here’s someone going out on a limb and having the guts to put their personal opinion out there for the world to see and there are more people who are hell-bent and furious on cutting them down to size than giving them kudos and praise. Honestly, I just don’t get it. If you don’t like something fine, don’t read it. But to take the time and effort to read it through in detail in order to cut it down to size, well that exhibits a special kind of hopelessness buried just beneath their comment. Personally, I find said “commentary” a great source of amusement and will never delete any derogatory comment that someone may post regarding my writing. It’s a wonderful way to deal with these cretins.

As for me, one of my favourite uplifting things to do is random acts of kindness. I’m also a big fan of handing out compliments, seeing people smile makes me happy. I am thankful and appreciate those around me and people in general (well except for the jerks). Errrummm I have not quite learned to extend this attitude fully when bike riding so I will have to stipulate an exception here so far as cycling goes. I am likely to lash out in that instance. However, form the most part I am courteous and friendly and patient. If I do resort to yelling now I am instructive, my biggest one being ‘use your signal light’, I also particularly like ‘would it kill you to look in your rearview mirror’. I try not to swear (please note I said try). ‘Really’ said in an extremely sarcastic tone has also helped a lot in the recent past – but I digress.

As I said in my post earlier this week I have written since the age of eleven. All I ever wanted to do was write. For me writing is a life force. If for some reason I could no longer write I think I would shrivel up into a shell of my former self. There have been times when my writing trickled off or became virtually non-existent. I realize now that I have begun this adventure and stretched my writing muscles, how atrophied I had become and how much it had hurt me emotionally. Without knowing exactly why, I have felt deeply unhappy for a long time and in retrospect now I know it was in large part due to this. I’d been repressing my essence, that which is most me. So thank you WordPress and thank you NaNo Wrimo and most of all thanks to myself for finally taking my finger out of my a** and doing that which I love most.

NaNo WriMo – Start Your Engines!


I have to take this time to thank the land of blog for leading me to places I probably never would have found before, specifically the discovering of a National Novel Writing Month website mere weeks before the contest starts (not unlike discovering the WordPress Conference mere weeks before it started). I feel like I was meant to be here … maybe should have been here a long time ago. You see, my grand passion has always been writing. I have been saying since I was eleven years old that I was going to be a writer. Okay, I got the writing part right in the sense that I did it often and sometimes prolifically but I have never done anything with said writing. I am, for all intensive purposes, a closet writer. The whole idea of this blog thing was so that hopefully at least a few people would see a smattering of the stuff I write and actually read it. Then I stumbled upon NaNo, it was like the heavens opened up “AHHHHHHHH” – here you go Missy, here’s your chance to take one of those many ideas that’s been festering around unfinished for years and turn it into something. And so I began to write and plan and organize and I have no worries about bringing about (this aspect at least) to fruition.

Ideally I’d like to get said novel published but you know, just actually finishing it in its raw form, or as I like to call it a ‘good piece of crap’ will be something in and of itself. So I’ve been working away furiously on said organization and needless to say I have been a wee bit remiss with my blog. However, I am still ensuring that I post at least once a week during NaNovember. I’d write about my book but I am one of those paranoid artists that believes that someone might steal my idea and I know all the complicated nuances involved when it comes to intellectual property in the first place so I’ll pass. Suffice to say that once it is in its completed state and I’m ready to be torn apart at the seams – I verily expect you my audience (who are obviously predominantly at this juncture family and friends) to be ruthless if you take the time to read my drafts.

Somebody had asked if I was going to post it in sections on my blog and I’m rolling this notion around in my mind. What do you guys think? Would you be interested in me posting bits and pieces of it? The thing is, I wouldn’t post it in any particular order specifically because each chapter should be able to stand alone in a sense. Would you guys give me some criticisms? Or is that too boring for blog land.

At any rate, I’m off. Wish me luck!